Transitions, Transformations and a Little Photography
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Fawns and Flash Heros
Full disclosure here - I’m not great at surprises - as soon as Kory mentions that he has a surprise for me - I’m all over him badgering him to tell me what it is. I hate the suspense of not knowing. While I’m at it I’ll just ‘fess up to hating scary movies or movies with intense scenes - I’ve honestly never made it through the movie American Werewolf in London and it took me a whole weekend to watch Aliens. Maybe it’s a defect or it’s an internal protection against being blindsided or startled.
That’s a long prelude to letting you know - no fawns were injured - it will make sense shortly.
We’ve come to believe that we live in a mini version of The Wild Kingdom because in the year that we’ve lived here we’ve seen such a variety of wildlife from deer, coyotes, moose, black bear, skunk, jackrabbits and ring necked pheasants to name a few.
Mountain Bluebird Nestbox Monitoring
Nestbox monitoring is a made up of a network of people who volunteer their time to ensure that migratory birds who are cavity nesters (i.e., they make their nests in hollowed out structures like trees) such as mountain bluebirds and tree swallows have suitable habitat available during nesting season. The need for nestboxes became apparent when declining numbers of Mountain Bluebirds were observed in the early 1970’s - this was due to the decline in woodland areas when suburban development accelerated.
The Calgary Area Nestbox Monitors Society ( CANMS ) consists of over 100 monitors looking after over 70 trails with over 5000 nestboxes. Their website contains all sorts of interesting and useful resource material about mountain bluebirds and monitoring a nest box trail.
Re-establishing Habits
2024 was a tough year with a lot of disruption to routine due to travel, buying a house, selling a house, moving and renovations. Looking back it is hard to believe that we have done all that we have. The house is looking good and the HVAC system is working well - life is good! (update: It looks like summer 2025 is going to be another challenging time as we take on the kitchen and bathroom updates, but this time it will be with the help of a project manager and the last of the big changes - thank goodness!).
I made some conscious decisions about habits that I wanted to continue through all the turmoil and ones that I was willing to put on hold until things settled down - I knew that trying to keep up all of my good self care habits would overload my system and lead to failure. This was a good compromise and I felt that after several years of these habits that they would be easy to pick up again after the crazy year that was 2024 was over - was I in for a surprise.
Expressing Emotions
It’s an interesting exercise - give yourself 3 minutes and list off as many emotions as you can think of - write them down. I came up with 20 before I started repeating myself - only 20! Brene Brown surveyed 7000 people and they averaged 3 emotions (anger, sadness, joy). I find this so hard to believe and yet it makes sense based upon the dysfunction I see in our society today.
As humans we are not particularly good at naming emotions let alone expressing them - I most certainly am not. Some cultures are even less proficient at openly expressing emotions than others. I have spoken in the past how I come from a family that did not encourage openly showing feelings especially “bad” feelings such as sorrow, grief, frustration, etc. - you get the gist. This actually made it quite confusing for me to understand and name what I was feeling. I really appreciate that most children today are taught to verbalize what is going on for them and use words to name what they are feeling.
Trees
I can recall my first favourite tree - it was a weeping willow tree that we planted in our backyard when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I was given the job of watering the tree and I took this role seriously - well for a few weeks at least! I can recall posing for photos in front of that tree over the years and watching in amazement as it magically seemed to grow taller - it’s arching branches seeming to envelop and protect all within its reach.
Trees have always had an important role for me - their symbols of strength and resilience - outstretching protection and unwavering shelter and shade.
We had a huge park near my home where I grew up - it must have been about 10 city blocks and filled with trees - huge maples, elms and oaks. We followed the paths leading through the (at the time to me) giants and felt that nothing could ever find us there.
When I returned to that park some 20 years later on during a visit to see my parents I was surprised with the changes
Investing in my photographic passion
Short answer - no! Despite my continuing obsession with backpacks (I still haven’t managed to sell any - see myGot Gas post) I am not one for accumulating gear or buying the latest and greatest gadgets. I much prefer to get familiar with gear until it becomes more of an extension of me rather than keep changing things up and having to relearn functions and buttons. I’m definitely more about seeing gear as tools rather than the focus of my hobby. Photography is the focus and expressing how I feel and see the world.
I tend to use the tools that I have until I find there is something that I’d like to be able to do that is blocked by lack of a feature or the way my current tool works doesn’t fit with my workflow. Once I identify a gap I will monitor how frequently this comes up and prevents me from capturing an image I’d like or the way that I’d like. This helps me to understand if bridging the gap is a need or an occasional nice to have
Authenticity - how being me is enough
I think that despite how much we strive to be authentic and project our real selves, we all have various masks or versions of ourselves that we show to the world. I don’t mean that we are fake or trying to hide behind made up images of our selves (though some people do this), but rather that in different situations we show up slightly differently - I know that I do.
Some people who have known me for a long time are a bit surprised to read my blog writings and find out things about me that they didn’t know. It’s not that I’ve hidden these parts of myself from them, but they didn’t come up in the context of how we’ve known each other.
For example, I had Corporate Pam (projecting a professional version of Pam), Fun Friend Pam (more silly and open to sharing personal parts of me), then there was Daughter Pam (caring for aging parents - one with dementia - see this post) and then there is Wife Pam
Post Menopausal Zest
I recently had a conversation with someone and they got all excited and started to go on about a phenomenon they’d come across called post menopausal zest (ironically it was a male friend). At first I thought he was pulling my leg, being sarcastic or talking about some new cocktail craze. However, he was being serious and yes it is a real term.
It was first coined by anthropologist Margaret Mead to describe the apparent increase in physical and psychological energy that can come after menopause. Mead started using this phrase in the 1950’s and we’re now talking some 75 years later and the term seems to have experienced a resurgence. Mead originally coined the term to indicate the time in a woman’s life when child bearing/rearing activities are finished and usually there is time and space for more self focused activities - opportunity to pursue self interests or learn and grow. It is also a time when hormone levels are usually levelling out again and becoming more stable.
Backyard Visitors
We had an exciting backyard visitor a couple of weeks ago and the way we stumbled upon him really demonstrates the need for being fully present and noticing unusual behaviours.
Here’s the backstory - we were walking Roxy in our backyard as the weather has been so lovely and above 15C (mid 60’sF). We’ve spent time meandering and really following her which means slowing down for a full scale sniffari - animals are so great at really being present and using all of their senses to scan their environment for things that don’t belong.
Kory noticed that some birds were making a commotion in a group of evergreens in the back corner of our property. We headed over and I used my bird app to identify the bird sound - (Merlin eBird is a free app and a wonderful way to identify birds from photos or sounds) - red breasted nuthatches were the noisy ones we heard which made me wonder because they are not usually that vocal.
What’s on my bedside table/nightstand?
I often wonder when Kory and I travel to different places and the room has no bedside table - why is that? Where are you supposed to put those little things that you put on the bedside table? Are you not supposed to put things there? Is there a reason it’s missing? So many questions and so few answers.
I have always had a bedside table for as long as I can remember - even when I shared a room with my sister we had one table between our beds that we shared with two drawers - the top one was hers because she was the oldest. It has been a lifelong habit of mine.
It got me to thinking about the things that I put on my bedside table, why they are there and should they be?
Numbing
The definition of numbing is - depriving one of feeling or responsiveness which seems like a good thing when you’re visiting the dentist for a root canal, but not so good in other situations. Taken to an extreme, numbing can result in addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling - any number of negative compulsive behaviours. Seeking professional help to address these behaviours is a healthy and loving gesture to oneself.
There are less extreme/less obvious or perhaps more accepted numbing behaviours such as mindless eating/snacking, binge watching tv, shopping, cleaning or reorganizing. To me, numbing is any behaviour we engage in so that we don’t have to face uncomfortable feelings/situations - mine is mindless snacking and compulsive cleaning or organizing. On the surface these may seem harmless behaviours, but when they interfere with processing emotions or problems then they can block you from resolving the underlying situations.
Seasonal Changes
The last week I’ve started to feel the shift in the seasons again - that slow realization like the soft tick ticking of a clock that slowly worms its way into your consciousness. That’s how spring has felt to me - watching the sunrise coming earlier each day by 1 - 2 minutes and noticing the sun sink behind the mountains a little later each day too. Those minutes are stacking up and shifting our daily routine just slightly each day.
I’ve also noticed that the quality of the light is changing as the days get longer - the duration of the sunrise and the sunset seems to extend longer to bookend each day - like it can’t wait to get started and then is loathe to let go and fall into slumber.
The warmer temperatures are melting the residual mounds of white stuff and any new snow doesn’t seem to stick quite as long on the ground.
Surrender
I keep stumbling across the word surrender in various conversations, books and meditations and I really struggle with what this actually means to me. I feel that there is something important and of significance for me to learn which is why I keep digging in.
When I think of surrender - I think of giving in or allowing someone/something to overpower - it definitely feels like a power exchange or that I’m losing something. There is something disturbing about this that makes me feel lesser and uncomfortable. Ironically when I get out of my head and I do let go and “surrender” - especially for things outside of my control then I feel contentment, but it is usually short lived.
The word surrender is defined as yielding to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand - yikes that makes me really uncomfortable! However, when I consider this term from a more spiritual perspective, surrender isn't about giving up; it's defined as being about giving over.
Photographing exotic locations aka my backyard
The title of this post is a bit tongue in cheek, but I got to thinking about this as I was debating about planning a trip to some wonderful location for photography and while I think that there is nothing quite as exciting as capturing images in a new location - a trip just didn’t seem to be coming together. I either didn’t like the timing or the itinerary or something else just didn’t seem quite right.
Lately I’ve been going through my old photography catalogues and looking for images that I overlooked for one reason or another and it’s interesting to note that I have been finding all sorts of great images and a lot of them are from photoshoots close to home. This makes sense as the majority of my images are from locations close to where I live and it also makes sense that I should be seeing progress over time and this would be reflected in the locations I shoot frequently.
Revisiting old photography files
I find that when I do a photoshoot I tend to process the images within a few days - sometimes even right away, but I’ve found that recently I’ve moved away from doing this in order to gain some perspective (ok full confession - I was forced to do this recently when I forgot my card reader when travelling and so I couldn’t download images until I got home).
I’m thinking that this is a good thing to do though because if I have an exciting shoot and either capture some bird or wildlife or scene that I didn’t expect or the light or conditions were amazing - I can be too emotionally tied to the images and not able to really assess them effectively.
Changes I’ve Seen Since Starting to Track Macros
I started tracking macros almost a year ago and while I began doing this to try and get a better understanding of how I was eating and distributing calories (Protein, Carbs and Fats), it quickly morphed into something a lot more impactful (blog post on Macros). I started progressive overload strength training early in the New Year which really paired well with the changes I made to my eating habits (i.e., increasing protein intake) and by July I had seen a 3% increase in muscle mass which is a significant increase especially at my age. (strength training blog post).
Now that it’s been almost 12 months since I started, I thought that it might be interesting and useful for me to reflect back on this past
Pieces of me
This one is very personal and nerve wracking as I feel very exposed and vulnerable sharing these thoughts, but it has also been a really valuable writing exercise to work through some of these thoughts.
I have been a fan of making jigsaw puzzles for a long time - growing up I was so fascinated by the way pieces fit together that I would make the same puzzle over and over again. Adding constraints to make it more difficult - like no putting together straight edge border pieces until the centre has been completed, starting with the toughest part first and then when all of those constraints are no longer challenging there is the turn it over and make the puzzle without looking at the picture version. Everything had a place and when you chose the right pieces they fit together so well. I enjoyed figuring out how to make it all come together.
Brain Rot
I started this blog post near the end of last year, but it got put aside as other topics piqued my interest more at the time. However, after a very stimulating conversation I found myself opening up this draft and finding it tickling my brain - a sure sign that I need to spend some time with this and mature it more.
It appears that each year the major dictionary sources identify the word of the year and in 2024 Oxford dictionary chose “brain rot”.
This is especially noted as being in relation to the low quality of online content that we consume every day. I can see this - I mean when one thinks about the amount of information that is made readily available to us on a daily basis from so many sources - wow! I spend time purposely limiting the amount and source of the content that I consume and it’s not always easy.
Cabin Fever
We’ve had a really unusual winter this year with it being unseasonably warm and not a lot of snow. I have to be honest and admit that I do like the snow - not so much for driving, but definitely for walking, skiing and photography. However, usually about this time of year I’m getting tired of the snow and the cold - we usually have a long stretch of frigid temperatures where it just hurts to go out in it, so we tend to hibernate a bit during this time as the dreaded cabin fever sets in.
I have to admit that by this time I’m looking forward to wearing fewer layers and getting outside for evening barbecues and gardening well into the late hours of the day. I think that Calgarians (as most people) are fond of complaining about the weather that we are currently experiencing rather than enjoying the fact that we do get four seasons (sometimes all in one day!).
Curiosity
A recent visit from Kory’s mum, Anne was a great opportunity for us to connect in person and also to share new experiences as well as favourite traditions. I have to admit that growing up I never heard of the Bonanza - A Ponderosa Christmas Special (trust me this is old with Lorne Greene and Michael Langdon - search YouTube if you’re curious to know more), but it was a tradition in Kory’s family and so we listen to it each year which is fun.
This year we introduced Anne to a new tradition - Ted Lasso. I may have mentioned that I have a bit of an obsession with this series - I really appreciate the subtle leadership nuances and team building as well as gratitude and just feel good moments (ok and Roy Kent’s fruity language). I think that Anne is hooked now too as we watched several episodes most evenings.