Boundaries
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What do I mean by boundaries?
There are a lot of different ways to define/explain boundaries such as something showing where one thing ends and another begins, or another perspective is the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. One simple definition that I like is from Brene Brown - boundaries are defined by what is ok and not ok. Regardless of how you define the word boundary, it is something that I am not great at navigating or setting up/sticking to. I’m a people pleaser by nature which lends itself to flexible/nebulous/nonexistent boundaries - leading to me feeling less than comfortable in some situations.
I’ve been working on trying to be more intentional about identifying boundaries and acknowledging when I don’t stick to them - for example, a few months ago I wanted to go for a photography shoot at Frank Lake which meant getting up early to get there before sunrise. Kory wanted to do work on his studio and needed my help - you can already imagine the conflict going on inside of me. He wasn’t expecting me to not do something I wanted to, but I didn’t want to disappoint him which led to me quickly letting go of heading out with my camera - this was quickly followed by feelings of regret and resentment. Remember this is all about the story in my head - not what he asked.
Black neck stilts in the early morning light at Frank Lake. (EXIF data f5.6, 1/400s, 840mm, ISO2800, +1EV)
I have learned to pay attention to feelings of resentment as it often means envy or feelings of anger and discontent because someone is doing what I want to do (i.e., prioritizing their wants). Just slowing down and acknowledging this was powerful as it helped me to know that I was into an either/or situation when I should have been thinking how can we arrange this into a both/and situation. Talking it out resulted in me heading out for a wonderful early morning photoshoot and then coming home and helping Kory do studio stuff. I know this may sound simple and obvious, but to a people pleaser like me - it’s a big deal to recognize and then work through this. In reality it only took minutes, but it prevented me from stewing about it for much longer.
How beliefs relate to boundaries.
When I dug deeper into my quest to understand boundaries (in an attempt to improve my relationship with them) I stumbled across this gem in Glennon Doyle’s book:
A boundary is the edge of one of our root beliefs about ourselves and the world. (Taming - Glennon Doyle)
I like the image of an edge of a root belief as it feels like something almost tangible that I can get my head around and even lean into my stance - however, it feels like if I’m not careful I can quickly move into a heels dug in non negotiable stance that escalates to being emotionally elevated (yes in my head I can start to spin at warp speed very quickly). In actual fact I think Glennon Doyle means that a boundary is something to get curious about and understand its origins before blindly accepting and reacting. She goes on to explain,
Often our beliefs are programmed into us by our culture, community, religion and family. Even though we don’t choose those subconscious programs, they run our lives. They control our decisions, perspectives, feelings, and interactions, so they determine our destiny. (Taming - Glennon Doyle)
Nebulous boundaries like the outlines of this portrait Heather took of me in Jouvence. (iPhone image)
What is so interesting about this perspective is that we can set boundaries based upon root beliefs that are not even fully aligned with how we see ourselves being! Just think about how our cultural beliefs have changed over our lifetimes or even generations. (remember a time when the cultural belief was that children should be seen and not heard, or spare the rod and spoil the child). The idea that I might be acting on beliefs and boundaries that are programmed subconsciously sort of blows my mind a bit and really has me questioning my beliefs because what we believe we act upon and we eventually become if not challenged.
What concerns me is that I might be reacting to a boundary established based on a root belief that doesn’t align with the way I currently want to live my life. Let me explain my thought process here and see if it holds up.
For example, anger or annoyance can be a response to a boundary not being respected. My knee jerk reaction is often to go with the emotionally elevated response of anger or annoyance, but in actuality there is more to it than reacting - there is information and a message in my response to the boundary breach. When I am emotionally reactive there is something to explore and understand - an opportunity to recognize if the boundary relates to a root belief that aligns with who I want to be and how I want to live my life. There is also the question to be asked - is this really a boundary breach or is it a perceived boundary breach - a story I’ve made up in my mind?
Regardless, I can often discern that I’m brushing up against a belief that doesn’t align with who I am or who I believe I am when I have difficulty letting go of my emotional response. There doesn’t appear to be a rational explanation for the response - something like when you challenge a child having a tantrum and the response is “because!”. When I can’t articulate what’s behind the root belief, or the root belief has a lot of defensiveness and vague “because that’s how I do it” aspects - it’s time to really examine it and possibly even let it go.
An aha moment
I know that when I have difficulty letting go to an emotional response - or when I keep feeding that emotional response to keep it “alive” (expressing emotions) I know that there is something bigger going on. Someone once told me that “hysteria is history” which means that when I feel an overblown emotional response or a lingering emotional response that there is something historical to the situation or response. The good news is it’s a great clue that there is something to delve into, understand and possibly reprogram or shift - the subconscious is so powerful and making changes by accessing the subconscious is the only way to make permanent changes.
I am excited about Daniel Seigel’s work where he talks about the plasticity of neurobiology - that we can change our responses by being aware of them, understanding their sources and making intentional choices to reprogram our responses. I find that very heartening - that I can continue to learn, grow and evolve into a better version of myself over time.
When these messages are coming from our subconscious and continually replaying through our minds - reprogramming can be incredibly challenging - but not impossible. That awareness piece becomes so important.
A challenging journey to access the conscious and subconscious mind. (f7.1, 400mm, 1/500s, ISO800)
The book The Biology of Belief outlined an experiment that was conducted on aging stereotypes - where one group of seniors were fed implicit messages that they weren’t even aware of receiving about positive aging (including words like spry, active, wise, etc.), a second group received explicit messages (i.e., they wrote positive affirmations about aging well), a third group received no messages (i.e., the control group) and a fourth group did active movement, exercise, stretching and healthy eating with no age related messaging. The experiment continued for a number of years and the results were surprising to me - group 1 excelled with a number of the members showing a reversal of the signs of aging, surprisingly groups 2 and 4 showed much less changes despite the members taking action, and group 3 showed little or no change. This experiment seems to show how powerful the subconscious can be since the first group received subconscious messaging (sort of like those subliminal advertising messages that have been used to sell things).
My takeaway from this is that if I want to make deep root/belief changes that are sustainable over a long period of time then I need to engage the subconscious as well as the conscious mind. Ok - how do I do this? My thoughts are that it takes becoming aware and sometimes that means getting some outside help to get perspective and expose some of those subconscious messages. Journaling also helps me to dig deeper into the why’s behind some of my thoughts and behaviours.
A concrete example
I have been working on having a healthier relationship with food and being able to sustain or maintain my weight and muscle mass. I wrote about my macro counting journey here where I worked on changing the way I eat and supplementing it with progressive overload training to build muscle. It took me a while to understand that I needed to change my body composition and not lose weight. Just by increasing my protein intake and actually eating more calories of foods in specific quantities - I was able to maintain my weight and build 3% muscle mass in just over a year - a huge achievement.
I felt strong and empowered until I didn’t. I suddenly found all sorts of sneaky self sabotaging messages creeping into my conscious mind - “have a cheat day - you’ve earned it”, “you might as well eat what you want because you won’t be able to keep this up”, “when you eat perfectly you can maintain, but that’s not a fun way to live” etc. It took me a while to understand that one of my root beliefs is that I can’t succeed in maintaining a healthy eating and exercise lifestyle - I believe that I am destined to fail.
Trap bar dead lifting - I am up to 170lb lifts. (iPhone image)
That realization alone was sobering, but I didn’t let it go - I dug deeper with the help of some of the BAB coaches (Macros 101 coaches) and we really explored things like my perfectionism tendencies (i.e., having to eat clean and perfectly to be successful) which really leads to restricted eating and my brain really rebels when I start to do that which leads to binging and the start of an unhealthy mental spiral.
I didn’t stop there either - we dug deeper and found that my root belief is that I don’t deserve to be able to eat whatever I want - that there is a big disconnect between my mind and body - my mind is giving negative messages that leads to restriction of what I eat and that leads to cravings and poor eating behaviours. Ultimately it is the disconnection of mind and body - that strong willpower and a strong mind can overcome what my body wants and needs. I have spent a lot of time and effort reconnecting my mind and body - really being present in my body and understanding the messages it is sending my mind - I realized that all this work was challenging the long held belief that I must control what I eat - I must restrict in order to lose weight. When my goal was not to lose weight, but to maintain muscle mass this challenged my long held “dieting mentality belief.
As I stopped buying into this belief and I started testing what would happen if I stopped restricting and made intentional choices about what I ate - a transformation started to occur. I stopped having cravings because I wasn’t restricting and I also stopped binging because I started to debunk the scarcity mindset that I was acting under - there were no “bad” or off limits foods.
Over time I have come to realize that I enjoy eating a variety of foods and that the relative proportions of protein, carbs and fats that I am eating makes me feel energized and supports my goal of building muscle. I feel good and I also feel like this is something that I can sustain and maintain. It means that I have to keep checking in with myself and not go on autopilot - but with intentional choices I am finding that it’s getting easier to eat healthy and have a more positive and less obsessive relationship with food.
Now there is a part of me that is frustrated and a bit down on myself for taking this many years to figure this out, however there is a great quote by Lily Tomlin that seems fitting:
Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past. (The Book of Forgiving - Desmond Tutu)
I think it’s more than time I extend a bit of forgiveness to myself over this.
Flexible boundaries and not rigid fences
It has taken me a long time (at least it feels like it) to get to a place where I am more comfortable with myself - letting go of different pieces of my “identity” that aren’t serving me well - having healthier boundaries that are flexible and not rigid. I feel like I’m in a great time of my life - so much to look forward to and so much to enjoy in the now.
Once again this post has not unfolded the way I expected and I’m ok with that - my thoughts have traveled a path that I obviously wanted and needed to traverse. Hopefully you’ve stuck with me to this point and my convoluted thinking and logic hasn’t been too confusing. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this either in the comments below or drop me a note directly by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
Life is full of richness in colours, connection and experiences. (f6.3, 300mm, 1/400s, ISO1500)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
