In the waiting
(click on images to view them full size)
Some impactful times.
I’ve had a very impactful few weeks where some random interactions have left their mark on me and I’ve continued to think about them long after spending time with these people. Two very good friends are having a tough time - suffering - and there is very little that I can do (I hate feeling helpless!). My first reaction/response is to try and fix it - help them - make it better, but I can’t. However, there are things that I can do like offer support - let them know I care and am thinking of them. These are small things, but maybe they matter more than the big grand gestures.
I have been sending one friend random texts of photos that I’ve taken - just something to distract her or let her know I’m thinking of her. More than anything it’s that connection - that knowing we’re not alone that I think is important. Or perhaps I’m annoying the heck out of her and she’s too Canadian to tell me to quit it - I don’t think that is likely, but the thought does occur to me.
This little fellow also seems to be in the waiting - waiting for his coat to fully change. (EXIF data f7.1, 1/300s, 600mm, ISO80)
My other friend is having a tough time with an aging family member who is suffering from dementia - that is something that I know only too well (my mother) and rather than offer advice, I’ve tried to be present and listen. I’ve tried to offer support by just being there - an ear to vent to and someone to just be there - sometimes that is enough - more than enough.
I’ve also had lunch with another friend who is going through some exciting but anxious times - mostly uplifting events and our time together has been full of great conversations and connection. Things that have made me reflect on my decision to retire and whether I made the right decision and timing - so good to have that reflection time.
Then there was an early morning meeting with a friend in South Africa - we connect periodically and share thoughts and ideas of what we’re working on and experiencing - we’ve talked about doing photography retreats together and we’re still exploring that idea, however the experience of what we share seems to fill both our cups. I feel supercharged and inspired sharing thoughts and ideas with him.
And yet in each of these situations, I feel like I’m in the waiting.
What is in the waiting?
What do I mean by in the waiting? On a literal level it means in the meantime - or being in the in between time. It is about waiting for something and yet not even being sure what that something is. I have explored this idea with photography in Liminal Spaces which depicts a transitional space - moving into an unknown space - this concept really tickles my brain.
This phrase “in the waiting” has haunted me for well over a year - I first heard it when I started attending church (this is a whole different story for another time) in the run up to the Christmas season or Advent. To me “in the waiting” means having a feeling of being between - of not being where you want to be but not sure where that is - having to be patient and wait for things to reveal themselves which is not a comfortable place for me.
That fuzzy liminal space in the waiting - neither fully here nor there. (EXIF data multiple exposure (3) f16, 1/15s, ISO64, 50mm).
In each of the situations above - I feel like I’m in a bit of a holding pattern - either waiting for events to unfold, looking for ways to support/help, reflecting on past decisions and pursuing creative dreams with no clear end point. In all cases the outcome is hazy and uncertain which can feel uncomfortable for me - the tension of holding the space I am currently in and the possibilities or uncertainties of the future as I wait for the path forward to reveal itself for my tangled chaotic thoughts to unravel and make some sense.
Being able to remain grounded in an uncomfortable space takes a lot effort for me - I am an action oriented - fix it woman. Time spent in the waiting really forces me to explore uncertainty and often leads to unexpected growth and an eventual expansion of my comfort zone. Boy do I hate that feeling of discomfort, but I have found that it is so key for me to be able to build resilience, pivot and grow. A big part of being able to remain grounded is about giving up trying to be in control - surrender - I’ve also written about how much I enjoy this state.
What does this look like?
I have noticed that being in the waiting is easier at this time of life than it has been at any earlier time in my life. In the past I have been so focused on the doing - on the fixing - on the making it through that I have often missed the opportunity that spending time in the waiting allows. I cannot fully express the wonder that I’ve been able to experience through slowing down and spending time in a space that is does not have full clarity. The emotions and reflections that I’ve been able to bring into focus after spending time with them in that space of tension.
It is similar to the feelings I have when I’m playing with a new photographic idea and I don’t know where I am heading or how it will turn out/if it will turn out - but feeling an excitement and wonder in the exploration itself balanced with feelings of frustration at not being able to fully understand where I’m headed. Creativity is like that - full of scary moments, uncertainty and also joy and wonder - I don’t know how to do this! I can’t express what I’m trying to! Wait a second - what is this? There’s something here! What about going over here a bit more? Oh my! I never would have expected such an outcome! Or - boy did that not turn out at all, but was it fun exploring!
Seriously - this is some of the internal commentary that goes on in my head - it gets crowded up there sometimes. Especially with the new photography group that I’ve been working in - the other photographers are such amazing artists who see things in ways that I just don’t and if I’m not careful I start out doubting my place with these women and my world seems to get smaller - much like Barbara Fredrickson describes in Positivity.
Positivity broadens at abstract levels…when we inject people with positivity, their outlook expands. They see the big picture. (Positivity - Barbara Fredickson)
In the waiting often feels like this merganser - should I cross this line into the unknown? (EXIF data f7.1, 300mm, 1/250s, ISO500)
Being patient and sitting in these feelings of discomfort (the photography we’re exploring is very non representational which is not my comfort zone at all) and allowing that creative voice inside of me to explore and play uncovers all sorts of positive and creative ideas.
I would have missed these opportunities if I had not allowed myself to sit with the tension of being in the waiting creatively.
This process plays out in a number of different ways in my life and I’ve learned that when I’m feeling that discomfort and tension from not having the path laid out or the timing coming fast enough for me - it’s a good time to slow down and really pay attention to what is unfolding around me.
How does photography help me
Not only am I able to use these tools and resources to help me navigate uncertainty in photographic creativity - I’ve also found that photography itself helps me to be more focused and express my feelings more eloquently when I’m faced with situations where I cannot solve things, but I want to be present and offer my support.
Sitting in the space in between and being content with the unknown offers such amazing views. (EXIF data f5.6, 600mm, 1/200, ISO800)
There are times when I’m at a loss for words, but I can capture and share a feeling with an image. This will often then enable me to explore the feeling and find words to express myself more fully. Being able to do that helps me to understand my feelings and emotions better - unravel some of those convoluted mental thoughts and in fact sometimes it helps me to just get out of my head and experience the feelings more fully.
I never would have thought that photography would have such an important role in my life. If no one else sees my images or appreciates them it doesn’t matter as I know that they fill an important place in my growth, learning and expression. I am very grateful that I found the motivation to first pick up a camera and then the inspiration to continue to explore and grow as a photographer.
The future looks fuzzy and that’s ok.
Despite the setbacks and challenges that life is presenting me (and those important to me) recently, I feel more able to face these uncertain times - spending time in the waiting and holding the tension of these spaces without having to have answers or certainty. This is a different place for me to spend time and I will see where all of this takes me.
Are you comfortable living in the waiting - the in between spaces or do you prefer to have clarity of answers and direction - I’d love to hear about it either in the comments below or reach out to me directly by clicking on Connect With me.
The River Cafe is a great place to spend time in the waiting. (EXIF data multiple exposure(3) ICM f16, 1/4s, 50mm, ISO64)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
