Transitions, Transformations and a Little Photography
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Agitation and Overwhelm
Those who have been reading this blog for a while will know that last year was a pretty stressful year for me - between buying and selling a house, packing up and moving which was then followed by 6 months of renovations of the lower level of the house to build a music space for Kory. It was a lot and there were a number of times throughout the summer that I felt overwhelmed which surprised me.
Before retirement I worked in a very stressful job and was continuously on call for international and domestic divisions. I am used to having to deal with overwhelming situations and stay calm and methodically work through things which made my reaction even more perplexing. Once things calmed down and we started to really live in the new space I decided to spend some time reflecting on my feelings of agitation and overwhelm during the renovations
Mountain Bluebird Nestbox Monitoring
Nestbox monitoring is a made up of a network of people who volunteer their time to ensure that migratory birds who are cavity nesters (i.e., they make their nests in hollowed out structures like trees) such as mountain bluebirds and tree swallows have suitable habitat available during nesting season. The need for nestboxes became apparent when declining numbers of Mountain Bluebirds were observed in the early 1970’s - this was due to the decline in woodland areas when suburban development accelerated.
The Calgary Area Nestbox Monitors Society ( CANMS ) consists of over 100 monitors looking after over 70 trails with over 5000 nestboxes. Their website contains all sorts of interesting and useful resource material about mountain bluebirds and monitoring a nest box trail.
Re-establishing Habits
2024 was a tough year with a lot of disruption to routine due to travel, buying a house, selling a house, moving and renovations. Looking back it is hard to believe that we have done all that we have. The house is looking good and the HVAC system is working well - life is good! (update: It looks like summer 2025 is going to be another challenging time as we take on the kitchen and bathroom updates, but this time it will be with the help of a project manager and the last of the big changes - thank goodness!).
I made some conscious decisions about habits that I wanted to continue through all the turmoil and ones that I was willing to put on hold until things settled down - I knew that trying to keep up all of my good self care habits would overload my system and lead to failure. This was a good compromise and I felt that after several years of these habits that they would be easy to pick up again after the crazy year that was 2024 was over - was I in for a surprise.
Expressing Emotions
It’s an interesting exercise - give yourself 3 minutes and list off as many emotions as you can think of - write them down. I came up with 20 before I started repeating myself - only 20! Brene Brown surveyed 7000 people and they averaged 3 emotions (anger, sadness, joy). I find this so hard to believe and yet it makes sense based upon the dysfunction I see in our society today.
As humans we are not particularly good at naming emotions let alone expressing them - I most certainly am not. Some cultures are even less proficient at openly expressing emotions than others. I have spoken in the past how I come from a family that did not encourage openly showing feelings especially “bad” feelings such as sorrow, grief, frustration, etc. - you get the gist. This actually made it quite confusing for me to understand and name what I was feeling. I really appreciate that most children today are taught to verbalize what is going on for them and use words to name what they are feeling.
Trees
I can recall my first favourite tree - it was a weeping willow tree that we planted in our backyard when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I was given the job of watering the tree and I took this role seriously - well for a few weeks at least! I can recall posing for photos in front of that tree over the years and watching in amazement as it magically seemed to grow taller - it’s arching branches seeming to envelop and protect all within its reach.
Trees have always had an important role for me - their symbols of strength and resilience - outstretching protection and unwavering shelter and shade.
We had a huge park near my home where I grew up - it must have been about 10 city blocks and filled with trees - huge maples, elms and oaks. We followed the paths leading through the (at the time to me) giants and felt that nothing could ever find us there.
When I returned to that park some 20 years later on during a visit to see my parents I was surprised with the changes
Investing in my photographic passion
Short answer - no! Despite my continuing obsession with backpacks (I still haven’t managed to sell any - see myGot Gas post) I am not one for accumulating gear or buying the latest and greatest gadgets. I much prefer to get familiar with gear until it becomes more of an extension of me rather than keep changing things up and having to relearn functions and buttons. I’m definitely more about seeing gear as tools rather than the focus of my hobby. Photography is the focus and expressing how I feel and see the world.
I tend to use the tools that I have until I find there is something that I’d like to be able to do that is blocked by lack of a feature or the way my current tool works doesn’t fit with my workflow. Once I identify a gap I will monitor how frequently this comes up and prevents me from capturing an image I’d like or the way that I’d like. This helps me to understand if bridging the gap is a need or an occasional nice to have
What’s on my bedside table/nightstand?
I often wonder when Kory and I travel to different places and the room has no bedside table - why is that? Where are you supposed to put those little things that you put on the bedside table? Are you not supposed to put things there? Is there a reason it’s missing? So many questions and so few answers.
I have always had a bedside table for as long as I can remember - even when I shared a room with my sister we had one table between our beds that we shared with two drawers - the top one was hers because she was the oldest. It has been a lifelong habit of mine.
It got me to thinking about the things that I put on my bedside table, why they are there and should they be?
Surrender
I keep stumbling across the word surrender in various conversations, books and meditations and I really struggle with what this actually means to me. I feel that there is something important and of significance for me to learn which is why I keep digging in.
When I think of surrender - I think of giving in or allowing someone/something to overpower - it definitely feels like a power exchange or that I’m losing something. There is something disturbing about this that makes me feel lesser and uncomfortable. Ironically when I get out of my head and I do let go and “surrender” - especially for things outside of my control then I feel contentment, but it is usually short lived.
The word surrender is defined as yielding to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand - yikes that makes me really uncomfortable! However, when I consider this term from a more spiritual perspective, surrender isn't about giving up; it's defined as being about giving over.
Pieces of me
This one is very personal and nerve wracking as I feel very exposed and vulnerable sharing these thoughts, but it has also been a really valuable writing exercise to work through some of these thoughts.
I have been a fan of making jigsaw puzzles for a long time - growing up I was so fascinated by the way pieces fit together that I would make the same puzzle over and over again. Adding constraints to make it more difficult - like no putting together straight edge border pieces until the centre has been completed, starting with the toughest part first and then when all of those constraints are no longer challenging there is the turn it over and make the puzzle without looking at the picture version. Everything had a place and when you chose the right pieces they fit together so well. I enjoyed figuring out how to make it all come together.
Cabin Fever
We’ve had a really unusual winter this year with it being unseasonably warm and not a lot of snow. I have to be honest and admit that I do like the snow - not so much for driving, but definitely for walking, skiing and photography. However, usually about this time of year I’m getting tired of the snow and the cold - we usually have a long stretch of frigid temperatures where it just hurts to go out in it, so we tend to hibernate a bit during this time as the dreaded cabin fever sets in.
I have to admit that by this time I’m looking forward to wearing fewer layers and getting outside for evening barbecues and gardening well into the late hours of the day. I think that Calgarians (as most people) are fond of complaining about the weather that we are currently experiencing rather than enjoying the fact that we do get four seasons (sometimes all in one day!).
Wordplay
I have always loved language and words - one of my earliest memories was sitting on my dad’s knee at the breakfast table picking out words in the newspaper as my mum cooked breakfast. She was always playing words games with us when we went for walks - memory games where we’d have to remember long chains of words or come up with definitions. This fed my innate love of words.
Confession time - my love of words, reading and learning new things led me to read the Encyclopedia - does anyone remember those huge volumes of information? They were the first place we went to when researching term papers for school. I used to particularly enjoy learning the meanings of new words or rather where they came from. It is still something that tickles my grey matter.
Comparison vs Inspiration
The idea for this post came from a conversation I had with a friend who often says I am an inspiration to her. She sees me getting into so many things and diving deep to the point of obsession (my words) and she often makes comments about being unsure of whether to be inspired and encouraged to try something new or feel like she needs a kick in the backside to do better.
I can certainly relate to this feeling having grown up with a superwoman mother - I think I’ve mentioned that she went to university after having four children and went on to get a Bachelor’s of Education degree and a Master’s in Education at night school while working full time as a teacher
Reflections and gratitude
It has been a long standing practice of mine to spend a bit of time at the end of every year reflecting back on everything that has come to pass and the things that haven’t been realized. I wouldn’t say that I set resolutions or goals for the upcoming year, but I do spend time thinking about what I’d like to do more or less of as well where I see myself by the end of the year. I like having ideas of where and what I want to achieve as this helps to provide a guide post for my year.
I find that by setting these intentions it is surprising how many are realized by the end of the year when I do my reflection. It is like these ideas guide my subconscious and help me stay on track.
Recent trip to Saskatchewan
There are two things that happened serendipitously within the month of December and I am so grateful for having these experiences. My mother in law and I did a road trip together as I traveled to pick her up with the idea that I’d also get an opportunity to photograph snowy owls as I’ve done in the past (snowy owl blog post and gallery).
I also had an opportunity to meet David DuChemin during his recent talk in Calgary. He is a dynamic speaker and really hit home with some good photographic truths accompanied by some amazing images (new book - Light, Space & Time) and he summarizes some key points in his recent newsletter.
Stresslaxing
As humans we’re an interesting bunch - ok we can be down right bizarre! I came across this term stresslaxing and I was curious enough to find out what it was all about, so I spent some time diving down the rabbit hole of researching into it - this is one of the many things that I love about retirement - having the time and space to explore and research and just learn new things. My research brought me to this new phenomenon which has emerged where the actual act of relaxation itself induces stress. This rather paradoxical experience is known as stresslaxing and it’s a term that tries to capture the anxiety sparked in some people, who when they are stressed, attempt to relax, but find themselves incapable of doing so.
Coaching
I come from a long line of very proud, reserved, stiff upper lip never show your emotions or weakness people. I was taught that the way to work through things is to ignore, power through or just pretend it never happened. I don’t suspect that I am alone in being taught these coping skills - it seems to me that it was a prevalent approach during the time that I grew up, however I also recognize that cultural attitudes and approaches have been changing throughout my life - in a very positive way - thank goodness!
Being vulnerable is no longer seen as being weak - seeking help and support is a sure sign of strength and a desire to grow - talking about things is the best way to knock shame on the head
Everybody’s got a story
This song has always resonated with me because I feel that we (let’sy be honest - I) often make assumptions of people based upon first impressions.
I make judgements based upon the way people look or act or talk - I know it’s cliche, however the saying don’t judge a book by its cover still rings true today.
I’ve mentioned before that I’m a strong introvertand people often interpret my demeanour as standoffish or cool, but it’s actually shyness mixed in with a preference of getting to know people slowly before diving in and interacting.
Being outside my routine
I have written quite a bit about the changes that I’ve made around healthier eating, strength training and wellness in an attempt to lead a more mindful life and improve my wellbeing. It has taken me a few years to identify the habits that I wanted to introduce and those that I wanted to part ways with - Atomic Habits (James Clear) is an excellent resource and I wrote about it here.
It took a lot of consistency and small changes to build up the good habits that I wanted to introduce, such as strength training, yoga, meditation and photography walks to name a few. Then last April everything changed when we bought a new home.
The shifts in what is important
This recent move to the “country” (see this blog post) really highlighted for me that I have made some significant shifts in what is important (as has Kory). We identified the values that are important to us when we started seriously searching for a new home. Nature, a less busy location, space and places to walk were the things that we identified as being important.
Our previous home was located within walking distance of downtown Calgary in a lovely neighbourhood that was close to coffee shops and grocery stores. There was a vibe of busy urban
Maintaining Balance
I recall that during my working life I was constantly searching for balance - I felt the pull from work and an even bigger pull from home to have my attention. I will admit that there were a lot of times when I didn’t get the balance right and I feel that my home life suffered as a result. In addition I think that my mental and physical wellbeing suffered - not just from the actual stress of the situation, but also the additional stress of feeling guilt and regret for not being present for my family.