Paradox - Contronyms
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Where is my brain going?
I imagine that when some people read the title to this week’s post there were some curious or even confused looks - like where is she going with this or what the heck is she talking about now. I’ve been really enjoying some challenging reading lately which has caused my brain to stretch into different areas that I usually don’t think about or consider. This often causes me to either go around in circles, tie myself up in knots trying to work through things or figure them out - which is a good thing in my view.
The apparent paradox of lights in a pool of water until you realize it is an inverted reflection. (EXIF data f6.3, 1/250s, 68mm, ISO3600)
I have been reading about paradox (ie., something that seems contradictory or against common thought, but may be true upon investigation) and I really like that idea - the juxtaposition of these apparently contradictory items and then curiosity leading to a mind expanding truth. For example, less is more (I am still learning this one!) or the more you know the more you realize how much you have to learn (yes!). I love these mind expanding experiences as this is when I tend to experience growth..
What are Contronyms?
As I was exploring paradox I stumbled across contronyms and anyone who has been here for a while knows how much I love word meanings and wordplay. Contronyms are words that are their own opposites which is cool when a single word can mean two opposite things - like clip which can mean to attach to something or to cut something off - another example is sanction - which can mean to permit or approve something or to penalize or prevent something. The English language is so challenging and yet so interesting too.
How about shoot - as in use a firearm or take a photograph? The list goes on and helps to explain why the English language can be so difficult to learn and understand.
Luckily this shooting makes amazing images. (EXIF data f6.3, 1/80s, 42mm, ISO1000)
There is even a paradox about my fascination with these two concepts - the idea of opposite meanings or multiple meanings of words or phrases tickles my brain and yet I know that typically my brain likes clarity and I shy away from ambiguity (that in itself is paradoxical thinking). I am curious why I like focus and clarity and yet I also enjoy the vagaries of contradictions. Yes my brain is spinning now.
How has paradox played out in my life?
I find that it takes my mind longer to unravel the apparent inconsistency of paradox and understand the possible truth in the contradiction. Somehow there is this whisper of a thought that I’m on to something and then it vaporizes into thin air and is lost to me. Ok this is even making my brain hurt, so I need to walk through this a bit more slowly with an example.
I have been on a journey and exploring spirituality more thoroughly. My journey has been anything but straightforward or linear and yet it has been very enjoyable to be curious and dig into ideas and concepts that interest me. One paradox that has especially intrigued me is the idea that one can grow more spiritually through failing than succeeding. At first this seems very contradictory and not in fact accurate, however upon closer examination there is truth to this idea.
An in camera multiple exposure that was a mistake - a happy mistake that led to some innovative images. (EXIF data f7.1, 1/160s, 24mm, ISO250)
I know that for me I learn more by actually doing something than just thinking about it - furthermore, my growth is significantly more when I experience a failure and have to figure out what went wrong and how I repair or recover from the downfall. The learnings are more firmly etched in my mind and more readily retrieved under similar circumstances in the future.
When I was in high school I had a lot of difficulty trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life - I did well in maths and sciences, but I loved music, English literature and history. I was unsure how to translate these interests into a career. Through a series of events and conversations I ended up applying to the University of Toronto to study Pharmacy and I was accepted. Now I grew up in a relatively small city (Windsor 200k people) and moving to a large metropolitan city like Toronto (3.5 million people at the time) was a huge change.
I can recall one of my first year courses having 1000 students in the lecture hall (which was held in Convocation Hall) - I felt overwhelmed and lost as well as homesick. No offence to any pharmacists out there, but I found that a career in this area held no excitement or interest for me. Six months in and I knew this was not where I should be or what I wanted to do - epic failure.
I had to make some tough decisions and I think that I made a good choice to take 6 months off - go home and get a job while I figured out what I wanted to do next. Taking this time to reflect and understand what I enjoyed and didn’t enjoy about the experience really helped me to get a better handle on what to do next.
Upward growth spiral in a stairwell. (EXIF data iPhone image)
I realized that I enjoyed the problem solving and technical aspects of the sciences and I also enjoyed interacting with people - being part of a team or something bigger like a project. This led me to study engineering with a focus on working in a project team atmosphere. Despite being an introvert (introvert blog post), I enjoy interacting and collaborating with others. I feel like there is this electric energy that emerges when people of various mindsets and creative thought processes come together to solve a problem - the synergy of the interaction which leads to something so much better than a single person would come up with.
I learned some really important lessons from my failed university experience - the importance of having balance in my life and focusing on things that I enjoy. I also realized that university is about learning life skills and how to solve problems - not always technical problems, but how to interact effectively with people and build teams and partnerships - I was so socially awkward and out of touch when I left home for the big city. I now count my false start at university as one of my most important times of learning, successes and growth.
Spiritual Journey Connection
How does this relate to my spiritual journey? Well as I mentioned I like clarity - I like things to be straightforward and easy to understand - high contrast and no muddy shadows for the photographers in the audience. Despite trying to apply this preference to my exploration of spirituality I kept running into contradictions, ambiguity and in general brick walls of misunderstanding. Oooooh - this tickled my brain as that remembered epic fail from university days came to mind - that desire for a linear and straightforward path from high school to university to working life - going from point A to B smoothly and seamlessly. This somehow felt very familiar in that I was trying to shoehorn this current learning and growth stage of my life into a very black and white - linear experience. Not happening!
The road to enlightenment is not clear or straight. EXIF data slow shutter speed app in iPhone (4s exposure from a moving vehicle)
No wonder my approach to exploring spirituality wasn’t working. I wanted the concepts that I was exploring which are inherently unexplainable, mysterious and ambiguous to be uncomplicated, striaghtforward and easy to interpret. Nice try, however in my failed approach to exploring the paradox of spirituality I found some interesting learnings and personal truths. Just the failure itself led me to slow down and spend more time getting curious and exploring - letting go of preconceived ideas or assumptions of the outcome. I know it sounds cliche, however there is more richness and growth in the journey than just getting to an end point - and is there even really an end point?
All this talk of the first and second half of life, of the languages of each, of falling down to go up is not new. It has been embodied for centuries in mythic tales of men and women who found themselves on the further journey. - Richard Rohr Falling Upwards
Rohr is referring to the hero’s journey where he/she must overcome obstacles and even failures to find true meaning and purpose to their lives. The transformation involves seeing beyond themselves and looking to the greater good of others, their community or beyond.
Surrender
I do like when I keep running into things that I’ve worked through before and I found that as I explored this paradox more (i.e., spiritual growth occurs from failing), the ambiguity or fuzziness of this idea didn’t go down well because it caused me frustration - I felt like I was banging my head against a wall trying to understand the concept and not quite getting it - until I finally made a choice to surrender (I wrote about surrender here) and stop forcing things - get playful and explore.
It’s amazing how freeing it is to let go. Somehow thoughts and confusions unravel for me when I let go - the apparent paradox of failing in order to grow spiritually suddenly started to make sense. I started to find examples in my journey where this rang true - times when I felt that I should find awe in a situation (for example, anticipating a sunset and thinking I should feel some spiritual connection felt flat) - I was forcing a spiritual moment - epic fail.
Frost covered grass sparkling in the morning sunlight. (EXIF data f4.5, 1/300s, 100mm, ISO400)
Letting go suddenly opened the doors to an unexpected moment of spiritual insight (for example, standing in my backyard in a shaft of sunlight and watching the frosty air turn misty with sparkles swirling around me - my jaw dropping at the awe of the unexpected moment) - such a mundane situation that was elevated to a spiritual experience because I was open and receptive to the feelings of awe, but I wouldn’t have been able to recognize it as such if I hadn’t experienced the failures and known that having expectations or forcing things blocks that connection.
Embracing the ambiguity and being open to exploring the seemingly opposing viewpoints or situations can lead to deeper truths being revealed to me. It can lead me to unexpected insights - often with more far reaching impact to me than I imagined. Not forcing or expecting outcomes can lead me to flow.
Letting go to hold on tighter
Perhaps for me this is the ultimate paradox which has held true throughout my life - especially in matters of wanting closer connection. Have you experienced paradoxes in your life that have had significant impacts? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below or drop me a note directly by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
Autumn ICM (Intentional camera movement) and in camera multiple exposure - Jouvence, Quebec. (EXIF data f18, 1/6s, 50mm, ISO64, 6 stop ND filter)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
