Agitation and Overwhelm
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Signals our bodies and minds give that we’re hitting the edge.
Those who have been reading this blog for a while will know that last year was a pretty stressful year for me - between buying and selling a house, packing up and moving which was then followed by 6 months of renovations of the lower level of the house to build a music space for Kory. It was a lot and there were a number of times throughout the summer that I felt overwhelmed which surprised me.
Being a bit contemplative and reflecting on the past year. (EXIF data f7.1, 1/250s, 124mm, ISO250)
Before retirement I worked in a very stressful job and was continuously on call for international and domestic divisions. I am used to having to deal with overwhelming situations and stay calm and methodically work through things which made my reaction even more perplexing.
Once things calmed down and we started to really live in the new space I decided to spend some time reflecting on my feelings of agitation and overwhelm during the renovations to try and understand what was going on and how I might better manage future stressful situations (I knew that this wasn’t the end of renovations as we had planned to do main floor kitchen and bathrooms this year).
My historical mode of dealing with chaos.
I used to be an amazing remain calm in the middle of a crisis - come up with a plan and then power through - get things done kind of person. I was actually shocked to find myself totally paralyzed about making decisions and not being able to think clearly during the renovations from last year - this was so not like me. Luckily Kory has incredibly strong project management skills and he stepped in and oversaw multiple work fronts. I stayed behind the scenes and kept the house running, made healthy meals and generally managed day to day activities.
Chaotic feelings of overwhelm like these godwits in flight. (EXIF data f6.3, 1.1250s, 840mm, ISO800)
On the occasions when I needed to step up and make decisions or when Kory wanted to bounce ideas off of me - I found myself easily becoming agitated and overwhelmed. We managed to work through these decision points at the time, but it wasn’t easy or painless. My old coping mechanisms seemed to have deserted me and I was no longer able to rely on my power through approach.
It is incredibly humbling to have to admit to a breakdown in personal strengths that you’ve come to rely on and quite frankly that others have come to rely on as well. Now that I have time I am trying to better understand what was going on and how I might handle these sorts of situations differently in the future.
Going back to expectations
So what happened to me last year? I decided to go back to the pre-move stage and examine where my headspace was at and it’s clear to me that I was in a non big projects/move in ready house headspace. Upon reflection that was a totally unrealistic and crazy making mindset to be in - that might have been my expectations or fantasy, but it was not the reality of this house.
Don’t get me wrong - this house is great - the location is amazing and the nature/wildlife interactions have been beyond anything I dreamed of. The house is thirty years old and the previous owner was an absentee landlord for about the last 10 yrs and only spent a month a year over the last 5 years. A house of this vintage needs more care and attention than that and we knew this going in (the price certainly reflected this) - I just wasn’t acknowledging what that would mean in terms of work.
So with a misalignment between my expectations that this house would not be a big project (what was I thinking?!?!? - clearly in denial!!!!) and the reality of the things that needed doing from a maintenance and refresh perspective - I should have known things would not go smoothly. When it became apparent that things needed to be done I was resistant in my mind and vocally - that resistance came square up against my logical brain (and Kory) which were saying that we need to do this - that internal conflict is never a good thing.
Calm peaceful view of the sunset with no thought of projects. (EXIF data iPhone)
I kept having to talk myself down from an elevated state and it felt like every time I got myself calmed down and came to terms with what needed to happen - something else would come up. It didn’t matter if it was small or large - it was enough to tip me over into overwhelm. I had lost my ability to be resilient and focused which made for a painful summer for me. I also recognize that I spent a lot of the summer feeling resentful which usually means wanting something that I feel someone else has that I want. In this case it was me in our old house - settled and able to do all the everyday things I wanted to do without a big project.
New Year - New Project Scope
This year we are taking on the last of the big intrusive renovations which means a kitchen refresh and main floor bathroom updates - intrusive and about 3 months of work. I imagine some of you are thinking that we’re crazy to even think about this especially after my response last year, however my reflection has helped me to understand what needs to be different this year.
Probably the biggest thing we’ve done is have lots of conversations about last summer and recognize the disconnect between reality and expectations. We also recognize that we were learning the house and finding all of the surprises (good and bad) that you typically do when you purchase a pre-owned house - especially a 30 year old one.
We feel that we have a clear understanding of the scope and we’ve aligned and agreed on this scope with clarity around what needs to be done and what is nice to do - we did this before even speaking to any contractors. This alignment really helped me to feel that we have a solid foundation of expectations and agreement around what it will look like at the end of the renovation - what we want to achieve and how we want to show up for each other.
Image of our temporary kitchen/living space. (EXIF data iPhone image)
We’ve also hired a company to manage the project and with multiple trades (electrical, plumbing, framing, cabinetry, tiling etc.) it is important to have it all sequenced properly and having a company well connected with sub trades that they’ve worked with for decades is also reassuring.
We’ve also hired design support which has been amazing as Tiffany comes up with all sorts of practical ideas and suggestions around making things function the way we live - for example measuring appliances and ensuring that we have sufficient drawer height to fit all of my most used gadgets (you all know how I love gadgets - well now they all have a nice neat place to live).
New Coping Strategies
I’ve been practicing some new coping strategies to deal with feelings of overwhelm and stress because let’s face it there are times (especially during a big upheaval like a major renovation) when stress state will be high. Now when I’m feeling overwhelmed or that agitation feeling starts to rise - I stop and speak up rather than trying to power through or shoulder it alone. Kory and I sit and talk it through or I take a break and get perspective. I also have a support network who I lean on and having a community to rely on helps tremendously.
Wilson’s snipe ready to take off when it became flustered with my presence. (EXIF data f5.6, 1/1250s, 800mm, ISO100)
I’m also using my writing and journaling to express those feelings and I’m continuing some of my key habits like working out and photography. I think it’s critical to have stress relief outlets and ways of regulating elevated emotions.
I’m feeling much more resilient this year and more able to handle the upcoming chaos - in fact I’m actually excited about this renovation and looking forward to the end product. That’s something that I didn’t embrace last year (perhaps because it’s not easy to get excited about a new HVAC system).
Bring on the chaos - I’m ready
I really appreciate taking the time to reflect on what happened last year and to come up with some better strategies to deal with the inevitable challenges. I am in a much better place mentally to handle the difficulties of living through a major renovation. We have our camper van all set up and we’re also planning some getaways this summer so that we get a break from all of the upheaval.
Have you gone through a major upheaval at work or at home (fellow renovation survivors I need to hear from you!) - if so I’d love to hear how you’ve coped either in the comments below or reach out to me directly by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
Multiple exposure of the temporary zippered plastic barriers and the living room (yes there is a bath tub in the living room). (EXIF data iPhone)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
