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Things Are Looking Up.
I’m not usually one who bemoans birthdays or growing older as I feel it is part of life. It feels like embracing aging helps my mind to be more at ease with the inevitable shifts and changes. Maybe it’s because I have some great mentors in this - a wonderful friend of mine is turning 95 this autumn and she has celebrated life and aging in ways that are truly inspirational. There is a softness and ease with which she treats herself as the years accumulate as well as a brightness, joy and gratitude to the way she greets each day. This isn’t to say there aren’t and haven’t been challenges to be faced on a daily basis, however these don’t become the central focus of her time and attention.
An ageing day lily in its last stage of life is full of beauty. (EXIF data f6.3, 1/250s, 200mm, ISO1000)
Some key things that I’ve noticed and noted about aging reflect more about attitude and mindset than most other things. There are a lot of researchers saying that to age well (not sure what that means exactly as it makes me think of cheese) one needs to never retire - I’m going to interpret that to mean it is important to have things to do over the course of the days and weeks that have genuine meaning and purpose for you. Now don’t go thinking I mean we all should be getting part time jobs in retirement or that we should focus on being productive - to me having a purpose means living well and filling my time with things that I’m passionate about that have meaning for me. Photography definitely fulfills some of this for me. Other key things include moving daily, eating well and staying connected. I’ve talked about most of these in other blog posts.
Seeds of Discontent
I find that my mental state and approach to my life has a big impact on my state of mind, mood and general satisfaction with life. Now I’m not a paste on a smile and pretend to be happy with the hope that I will eventually be happy kind of person. To me that is the opposite of how to be satisfied and happy with life. What I mean is that I find it’s important to face life’s challenges honestly and openly, but not wallow or overdramatize the negative (something that I have and continue to do on occasion) - balance and perspective go a long way for me. If I allow seeds of discontent to take hold and start to grow then I can generally guarantee that my mood will take a turn for a negative spiral with no end in sight. Facing those times of challenge or discontent and looking for any possible positive aspect or outcome no matter how small can make a huge difference for me. I find that I can face a challenge with a “woe is me” “everything’s going to shit” attitude and not surprisingly things feel like they are getting worse - or I can take a different approach.
Colourful row boats in an otherwise grey and dense fog pop to life. (EXIF data f7.1, 1/150s, 200mm, ISO1000)
If I face the same situation with a calm demeanour and try to stay grounded in something positive (e.g., I have come across a similar situation and I have the tools I need to deal with it, I have friends and a support network I can reach out to, or this is going to be tough and I know that it will eventually pass) I have a much lighter mood and feeling about the situation. I am often able to face the challenge from a new perspective without the mood spiral. There is a saying that whatever you spend your time and attention on will flourish and grow. I’d much rather have positive outcomes flourish and grow than the alternative.
My Cup Runneth Over
This has been a very challenging summer for me with several injuries and health issues that I’ve been dealing with (everything is heading in a positive direction now). It’s been very easy to fall into the “woe is me” maudlin self pity camp (ok so I’ve dipped my toe in a few times over the past few months), but I’ve been making conscious choices to not wallow and to focus my energy and attention on what is going well. This approach does not deny the challenges, but allows me to maintain perspective and balance about the future outlook.
I have been doing a lot of reading this summer (big surprise I know) as well as several large photography projects (still editing Zambia photos and finally done St Andrews Retreat photos) which has given me a lot of time for contemplation. I’ve been reading Kristin Neff’s book on Self Compassion (something I’m not particularly strong at) and the following quote really spoke to me.
You can’t fill a cup that’s already full. There’s no room for new things - new goodness or new enlightenment. (Kristin Neff - Self Compassion)
A full cup has little space for more. (EXIF data iPhone image)
One of the things that I particularly like about this quote is the visual for me - in order to fill my cup with more good things - I need to empty out some things that are no longer serving me. This is often easier said than done for me - those old habits have served a purpose and they are comfortable in a perverse sort of way. Clearing space always feels good to me when I finally take the plunge and that extra space usually leads to new inspiration. It’s like having room to breathe allows me to look around and really gain perspective and determine the best next step.
Being Kind
Having that recognition of the space and perspective that comes from clearing things out also raises some challenges in me. I still find it too easy to slip into must do’s and should’s which has that very judgmental tone to all my self talk. I need to slow down my thoughts further and make sure that I apply some of that self compassion - being kind to myself and giving myself grace which is a key part of shifting from a negative trajectory to a much more forgiving and positive one. Time is also a big factor - when I am grounded and firm in the knowledge that change doesn’t happen overnight - or at least the sustainable positive change I’m looking to enact doesn’t - I can be patient in the knowledge that I don’t have to make big shifts - even small sustainable shifts over a long period of time results in significant change.
My interpretation of “The Judge” or inner critic is my favourite image from this summer’s retreat. (EXIF data f5.6, 2s, 200mm, ISO800)
I always like to think about the plane or the large ocean liner setting course and making a small change in direction - it doesn’t have a noticeable impact in the short range, but over a long distance the final destination can be completely different. That’s why I’m taking this self compassion stuff slowly and one small shift at a time. I’m finding that this approach is having a more lasting effect as it almost doesn’t feel like I’m making any changes at all, but that thought of where the attention goes the energy flows is really captivating me. My attention is definitely focused on a more positive long term outlook for my health and ageing.
Neff claims that self compassion is composed of three components:
1). self kindness - focusing on grace and forgiveness rather than harsh criticism
2). common humanity - we’re all experiencing similar things at some point in time - we’re not alone
3). mindfulness - being intentional about maintaining perspective and not over focusing on negative outcomes
It feels like I keep running into this trilogy in different disguises, as though I need to keep being reminded of them until I fully incorporate them - not keep them stuck in my head.
What’s This Got To Do With….
Well I started this blog post talking about my recent birthday and growing older gracefully (or at least that is the goal) and I think that a number of things I’ve been working on the last few years plays an important role in ageing well. I’m convinced that ageing well has more to do with mental attitude than a lot of activities or supplements/diet etc. Positive mindset has such a big impact on the way I view the world, interact with others and generally treat myself. I’m much more willing to let things go rather than dig in and attribute ill intent - so much energy is taken up by harbouring ill feelings towards others or myself.
Positive mindset leads to hopeful beams of light to brighten the future. (EXIF data f8, 1/200, 100mm, ISO1200)
That positive mindset as well as a balanced perspective (not wallowing in the negative or over dramatizing a challenge) helps me to stay grounded, so that even if I’m not perfect in the way I approach the situation - I am at least less extreme in my negative response. I count that as a win - see all that self compassion oozing out of me?
Seriously, I find that anytime I’m able to navigate a negative situation, challenge or emotions without getting sidetracked down a steep spiral into the abyss of negativity then this is a better outcome and a win. Don’t get me wrong - my life is not always sunshine and lollipops nor am I trying to make it that way. I’m not trying to avoid ever feeling down or having negative experiences - it’s the way that I respond to them that I am trying to lighten up about.
I find that the less time I spend in a negative spiral - the less time and energy I spend getting out of that place and back to a more balanced grounded position. That saved energy is then available for me to live well and age gracefully - it’s sort of a circular flow of energy.
What Does The Future Hold?
Well I’m firmly into the world of retirement now and I have started to find a rhythm to my life that fills it with meaning and purpose which is leading me more frequently to a place of calmness and contentment. I don’t see myself sitting back and letting life pass me by, but I am catching a ride on the wave right now.
How do you feel about ageing? Are you part of the ageing gracefully (whatever that means to you) camp or are you more wont to put up as much resistance to the passing of the years as you can? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below or drop me a note by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
A pathway leading to the colourful perennial gardens at Kingsbrae. I’m not sure where my path is heading, but I hope it’s colourful. (EXIF data ICM/slow shutter speed f18, 1s, 40mm, ISO100)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
