Finding Peace
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Revisiting my post on dementia.
My mum and I in the Loire Valley, France 2010 (EXIF data iPhone image)
I must admit that writing about my mum’s battle with dementia was quite emotionally challenging, however the response that I received was very heart warming. I had people sharing similar experiences and how it affected their families, ideas and thoughts of how they’ve navigated the challenges of care giving or being long distance care givers. It was a post that really felt like it resonated for many and created some lovely connections which I really appreciated.
Since that blog post I have had all sorts of thoughts of things that I would have liked to have included, but I either didn’t think of them, or I was concerned about the length of the post. I’ve decided to do a follow up post and talk about some of those things and some of the new things that I’ve been looking into around dementia.
As I mentioned in the original post, my mother was a very smart, articulate and witty woman. Her struggles with dementia were challenging to witness and often expressed through frustration and anger - not her typical behaviour. I learned how important it is when spending time with someone with dementia to validate them - not correct them or challenge them as this will often undermine confidence or even trigger an angry response. I often found that when we questioned any of my mum’s facts, or “helpfully” tried to anticipate a word or thought that she would withdraw and not share her thoughts or get angry and lash out. To me it was far more important to hear her than to fact check her or frustrate her.
I recall my most vivid memory of such a time when my mother was telling me about a time we’d gone on vacation, but she was mixing up two different locations and dates. As a result the story wasn’t making much sense, so I gently tried to correct her - well I was almost bowled over when she told me that she’d like to kick my ass. Not an expression she would normally use - my mum was very soft spoken and didn’t swear - saying bloody or hell was extreme language.
The positive of this encounter was that I was so shocked that I started to sputter and then laugh - telling her that I couldn’t believe what she just said! She stopped also and we both burst into laughter - the tense moment passed quickly and it was a great reminder for me to stop trying to be right. It didn’t matter that she’d confused the two events, but it was important that she was talking to me and connecting.
Sharing our experiences helps us to feel connected like these Redpolls searching for some winter snacks. (EXIF data f6.3, 1/1250s, 600mm, ISO2000).
Lowering my expectations was important for keeping interactions upbeat and low stress. Connecting through favourite activities, experiences (especially linked to songs or books or photographs) really led to meaningful interactions for me and I hope for her as well.
I loved reading messages to the first blog post from people who said that my post on my mother prompted them to contact their parents and plan more regular visits. I had people share experiences with a parent struggling with dementia and I definitely felt empathy for their experience having gone through something similar. I think that sharing and talking about the challenges is a great way of connecting and removing some of the negative stigma of this disease. It’s also a great way to share ideas and possible solutions. If nothing else I think it helps us to know we’re not alone and that can be very empowering and powerful.
Some new reading
I have been reading Peter Attia’s book Outlive - in fact I keep going back and re-reading sections to absorb more of the information. I found it interesting to note that activities requiring a new learned skill - especially associated with languages or music - can have a very positive impact on keeping brains in top form. My mother-in-law, Anne reminded me of our trip to France with my parents and the great farmhouse we rented. There was a pond across the road that was filled with frogs and each day started and ended with a chorus of “ribbet”. My mum enjoyed visiting the pond and mimicking the frogs.
We would go for walks in the evenings and one night Anne asked my mum about her favourite song - I was walking behind them and suddenly started hearing them sing the hymn Turn My Face to Jesus - it was a song my mum had learned as a young girl and the words just came back to her when she heard the melody. Simple things like this made my day and were so memorable.
I have taken up playing the flute and while I’m no accomplished musician, I enjoy the challenge and learning to play familiar songs. I feel that exercising my brain in this way is helping me to stay connected to my goal of continually learning and growing.
Outdoor barrel sauna provides health benefits and a way to unwind after a long day. EXIF data iPhone image
Some other books I’ve been reading talk about dementia as being tagged type 3 diabetes as there is more data linking blood sugar spikes, circulation or oxygen levels to brain health and dementia in the longer term. There are studies showing that maintaining good blood/oxygen circulation to the brain (the most oxygen demanding organ in our body) can reduce the potential for presenting dementia symptoms. Exercise is a great way to keep fit and keep the circulatory system at peak performance and if it helps stave off dementia then all the better.
We opted to put in a barrel sauna because of the positive effects on circulation and we’re enjoying the heat and other benefits 2 - 3 times a week. Countries where saunas have been popular for generations have shown a lower incidence of dementia symptoms or less severe symptoms. I’m not sure if this is true, but we enjoy it and if there are positive side effects then I’m even more happy to partake.
Diet and Glucose Spikes
I have done some reading about the links between excess glucose and blood sugar spikes and mental dysfunction and I wrote about it in this blog post. The book the Glucose Revolution by Jessie Inchauspé is very informative about the impact of glucose spikes on our bodies and in particular our energy levels and potential links to presenting dementia symptoms.
There’s nothing more enjoyable for me than getting out with my camera. (photo courtesy of K. McIntyre)
Again, I’m no medical expert, but my family doctor has also been encouraging me to pursue the positive health impacts of flattening my glucose curve. As a result, I’ve been implementing 4 “hacks” or habit changes associated with flattening my glucose levels (based o the Glucose Revolution) which include:
apple cider vinegar before my morning meal
getting some form of exercise within 1/2 hr after eating (think take a walk rather than veg in front of a tv)
veggie starter for all meals (this can be some carrot sticks or broccoli or salad)
if you eat carbs then wrap them in fat or protein (think peanut butter and banana or greek yogurt and fruit)
Making these 4 small changes (they were really tweaks rather than changes) has had a significant impact on my energy level as well as my ability to maintain weight loss. I’m not doing any weird dieting and regardless of the time of year I’m finding it easier to make intentional food choices.
I’m still doing progressive overload strength training and getting in steps with my camera and photography walks. My big takeaway is that healthy habits need to be easy and enjoyable in order to make them sustainable.
Dementia fears
One big shift that I’ve made is working on letting go of my fear of dementia. I used to panic every time I forgot someone’s name or a word I was trying to access. The more I was stressing in the moment the harder it was to remember the word. I have no idea if this is signs of failing memory/early signs of dementia, but I’ve taken tests and talked this over with my doctor and we’ve come to the conclusion that I’m doing all good things to keep my mind active and sharp. I’m showing no signs of short term memory loss and staying calm about my mental state certainly helps me to be more in the moment.
Dementia fears feels like this dead plant in this multiple exposure - not quite there, but persistent in the image and overshadowing the details of the ICM lines. (EXIF data multiple exposure - 2 images merged f16, 1/8s, 120mm, ISO80)
I’ve also found meditation to be a good way of shifting thoughts from future fears or past ruminations to be a positive step. This certainly helps me to maximize my enjoyment of life. In fact I believe that maintaining a high heartfelt positive attitude is so important to good mental and physical health - I wrote about it here.
Not surprisingly, I’ve found that talking about my fears is really helpful to keep them small and diffuse their power. I’m not the only one with this fear and just expressing it has connected me with others facing the same concerns. We’re able to talk openly and not try to downplay or mimimize the fears - it really is helpful.
Looking at the past positively
I’ve been spending some time sorting through old emails and photographs from my parents in order to pass family information along to my niece. Rather than it being a journey down a dark and scary path - I’m finding that it is filled with delightful memories and moments that I had forgotten about. Remembering the fun and joy that my parents had riding their tandem bicycle (my father’s solution to his concerns of leaving my mother alone at home while he continued his cycling habit) really filled me with a warm glow. Their evening walks with neighbours became a wonderful ritual to stay connected and recap events of the day.
My father’s culinary concoctions full of goodness and high nutritional value (he became a mad scientist in the kitchen) and my mum’s delight in eating these meals was a source of pride and joy for my dad.
My mum taking a break and celebrating a ride with my dad on the tandem bike.
Their garden filled with all sorts of flowers and shrubs provided hours of time outside for them and I’ll never forget the massive compost heap that my dad kept going - filled with food scraps and autumn leaves - it was home to small garter snakes which he always enjoyed seeing. Squirrels buried acorns in that mound and Northern Flickers often poked around looking for ants and other insects. So many great memories.
Reframing the way I view those memories and no longer trying to pinpoint when my mum started to decline - not looking for clues and markers to compare with my own aging has really removed a heavy load from my shoulders. I’m facing a future that is clear and bright - full of positive energy and great reflections/memories of a couple who made a lasting impact on my life. I miss my parents still - it’s been over 12 years since they passed away, however I’m hoping that the way I’m living my life now is preserving the legacy they started.
Aging is what we make of it
I’ve learned most of all that while aging is inevitable, we can determine whether it is a journey down a dark shadowy back lane, or a bold step into the light. I’m heading to the light!
If you have parents, a spouse or relatives/friends with signs of dementia or you yourself have fears about it - I would highly recommend talking to a trusted medical professional. There are all sorts of resources available with help at all stages of this disease and walking this path alone is a tough one. I’d love to hear from you in the comments below or drop me a note directly by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
Heading for the light - the future is bright. (EXIF data f4, 1/80s, 300mm, ISO400)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
