The Sage Inner Voice
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That Little Voice Inside.
There are times when I feel like it’s getting a bit crowded inside my head - yes I’m one of those people who can really get stuck in my head and then the different stories start to spin and all those voices take on a different perspective of the story and wow it can get busy and noisy in there. What is often not as easy to do is to slow down the hubbub and focus on that small quiet voice - the one that is not loud and overbearing, but persistent nonetheless. I like that little voice - it is often the one that speaks common sense or at least asks questions that prompt me to re-examine thoughts that I felt were etched in stone facts.
Sometimes it feels like there is a crowd of voices in my head. (EXIF data ICM image 2.5s, f18, 125mm, ISO100).
I’m not sure when I started being aware of that little voice inside or even when I stopped giving it equal air time, but as I’ve grown older that voice has become more and more important to me. It’s that authentic voice - the one that has no ulterior agenda - that’s not worried about being right, but more about making sure that I do what is right for me. It’s that calming voice - the one that isn’t jumping up and down and escalating things - it’s just staying grounded and persistent in its message.
Recently I’ve started to listen to that voice more - especially when I’m feeling a bit confused about what’s going on inside of me. When there isn’t that strong clarity around what I’m feeling, but I’m definitely feeling something. I like to think of that inner voice as my inner knowing - my inner sage.
Expectations and Disappointment
There have been and still are times when I don’t listen to my inner sage - sometimes I don’t even notice that it’s there with an important message. Lately those times seem to be associated with disappointment. I hate disappointment - especially when that disappointment is related to something I have or haven’t done. I think of disappointment as being tightly connected to expectations - there’s that word again!
When I have expectations about how I want something to play out, how I want to show up or worse how I want someone else to show up - this is when I get in trouble. This is when I start focusing on the future and spinning stories in my head - things like, “ this is how it’s going to play out and I’m going to be so happy/satisfied/content/joyful/you fill in the right word when it all comes together as I envision it”. How to set myself up for failure!
These future thinking story spinning mind games inevitably don’t turn out the way I expected them to and this leads to disappointment. I’ve recently realized that these feelings of disappointment are a form of shame - shame that my anticipated outcome didn’t come to pass which seems to lead my brain very quickly to a place of I didn’t deserve the outcome or I wasn’t good enough to bring about the desired outcome - whichever way I look at it I see failure. (see how quickly those negative thoughts can start spinning from these future thinking mind states?)
If I take it one step further - the only times that feel worse to me than disappointing myself is when I disappoint someone else. I’m a real people pleaser and I can get myself tied up in knots trying to make things work out for other people - often at the expense of my own peace of mind or well being.
I really liked what Glennon Doyle said about people pleasing in her book Untamed.
Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job throughout your life is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.” (Glennon Doyle - Untamed)
I wonder if this mud bath met this baby elephant’s expectations - he doesn’t look disappointed at all. (EXIF data f6.3, 400mm, 1/1250s, ISO400, -1.0EV)
This is a bit of a minefield for me as disappointment is so closely tied to feelings of shame. I sort of feel freaked out about disappointing someone else and it makes me realize that here is another place where I put my needs and feelings at the bottom of the list. I feel like I need to take some time to mull this over some more as it’s not fully landed..
Ignoring My Inner Sage
There is something fundamentally important about noticing and paying attention to my inner sage - there is wisdom there that I’m not tapping into enough. I recall when I was working and during a leadership course we were given a Havard Business School article to read about monkeys (figurative monkeys not real ones). The article spoke of people who are skilled at transferring their problems/issues/deliverables to others and these problems/issues/deliverables were described as “monkeys”.
You know that person who comes to your office or phones you with a problem - something that concerns them, but somehow they don’t want to take action (maybe it’s uncomfortable, there is a strong chance of a poor outcome, there’s a possibility of conflict etc.) - they want you to take action on their behalf - they want to give you their monkey.
A cute baby baboon, but he’d still qualify as a “monkey” if I took on responsibility for him. (EXIF data f4.5, 1/1250s, 600mm, ISO1000).
I had a lot of people trying to give me their monkeys (I think they could sense that willingness in me) and being a people pleaser I was often too willing to take on their monkeys. This often resulted in me feeling overwhelmed, having a whole lot of deliverables that weren’t mine and feeling disappointed in myself for not being stronger in the moment, but mostly disappointed for not taking care of myself and my needs.
This was a time when I really needed to slow down and listen to that inner sage - the one that was able to recognize that I was taking on other people’s stuff and not honouring my own needs. That inner sage that knew feelings of disappointment would lead to feelings of shame that I’d failed to honour myself and my needs again.
How This Plays Out In Photography
Interestingly enough this same phenomenon plays out in my photography too and in a similar way. When I come across a scene that captures my attention it is like there is this chorus of photographers in my head trying to gain my attention and influence what and how I will capture the scene. They are often loud and boisterous - encouraging me to take action and do it quickly so that I can move on to something else.
If I’m able to slow down a moment and calm the noise in my head then I’m often able to hear that inner sage - the one that starts asking the important questions such as, what attracted me to this scene?, what do I want to say?, what is the subject?, how can I best capture the light/feeling/scene? Or more importantly it might be trying to say - there isn’t anything here, no photo to be made and it’s time to let it go and move on to a new scene. That one is a tough one to hear and to pay attention to.
Bruce Percy, a favourite photographer of mine talks about being able to tap into and listen to that inner sage.
“Now I rarely have times when it’s not working (i.e., coming up with a compelling composition), because I don’t linger. I recognize the signs early, move on and find something else that will. Being able to listen to your own emotions is an important trait to have. Being able to accept them and be honest with yourself is something else altogether.” Bruce Percy’s blog
I love the dreamy look of these purple coneflowers taken through a patch of black eyed Susans with their yellow petals. (EXIF data f4.5, 1/250s, 200mm, ISO800)
When I listen to that inner photographic sage and pay attention to the guidance I’m receiving then I can often produce images that I’m excited about and even proud of. When I don’t listen to it and I try to force something that isn’t really there - I end up with mediocre images that don’t excite me and make me wonder why I wasted my time taking them - at worst it can lead to a negative spiral about my photographic abilities and why I’m even doing this.
Stop And Listen
I often find it is ironic the number of times that I get to a point of saying that I just need to slow down and listen to what is going on inside. How many times do I need to hear this before I start doing it routinely?
It sounds like a broken record however, all of this leads me to a place where I need to slow down, find that inner intuition/voice/sage and trust in it. Using that understanding to know what is mine and what is not (yes I’m still prone to taking on others’ monkeys if I’m not careful) - letting go of the expectations and disappointments which inevitably lead to feelings of not enough or shame. Seems easy to say, but not so easy to practice, but I continue to practice.
Do you listen to that inner voice/sage or are you like me and in need of a stronger volume before it comes to the forefront of your attention. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below or drop me a note directly by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
Slowing down during a canoe trip on the Lower Zambezi enabled me to capture this amazing image of the matriarchal female in the elephant herd as she paused in drinking water and turned to look directly at us. (EXIF data f6.3, 1/1250s, 400mm, ISO800, -1.0EV)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
