In a Funk
(click on images to view them full size)
Feeling Unmotivated.
This one has been difficult to write and I’ve edited multiple times.
It’s been a tough summer. There! I’ve admitted it and committed it to writing - a big deal for me. I generally try to be optimistic and look for the bright side of things (yes, Life of Brian is a favourite movie - think of the closing credits song - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life), but to be honest right now that’s not working, so I’m going to embrace the fuzzy and see if that helps.
I think historically I’ve been the optimist seeker out of fear - there is a history of depression in my family and I have always felt that giving in to those feelings of being down, fuzzy or grey will lead to a downward spiral of depression and be much harder to dig myself out of. Fear has been a big motivator in my life - it allows me to spend time in the future and the past without having to really experience the here and now - maybe it’s time to let go of that and sit in the discomfort of now because I feel that the projected outcome of my fear is much worse and bigger than it actually could be (those stories in my head can get big and scary very fast).
One of the last images I took in New Brunswick. (EXIF data f3.5, 200mm, 1/350s, ISO800)
So what’s going on? Well I have mentioned that I sustained a foot injury (extensor tendonitis in my left foot) which was really painful with swelling and an inability to walk properly without pain for months - I hate limping! I have finally gotten to a point of being pain free and stiffness free when I walk - it feels like such a relief. I’m not dancing or running yet, but getting there (overdoing it this week has put me back a bit - very frustrating!).
I also had a medical issue I was dealing with (I won’t go into details), but it entailed a series of tests over the summer to rule out more serious issues - I finally finished the tests and all have come back negative which is a great outcome and yet I don’t feel the relief I expected.
Perhaps this combination of events has been a big part of me feeling unmotivated, however I haven’t picked up my camera in almost two months - pretty much unheard of for me in the last ten years. What the heck is going on?!
The Grey Funk
I feel like a cloud of fuzzy grey has descended and things that normally would get me excited make me go meh! (yes a technical term in my opinion). I’ve been going with the flow and not trying to force things, I’ve tried giving myself constraints and forcing myself out with my camera and everything in between - to no avail - I’ve either not pressed the shutter button or immediately deleted the lacklustre results. However I think that my lack of motivation with photography is a symptom of something larger - i.e., not necessarily photography related.
The grey fuzz that everything feels like it is viewed through. (EXIF data f2.8, 200mm, 1/250s, ISO800)
I’ve felt this grey funk at various times in the past and it has passed as I’m sure this one will too. Probably the difference is that in the past I’ve immersed myself in busy-ness and powered through. A definite historical go to position for me - I’m trying something different now as my situation has definitely shifted.
I think that I mentioned that I’ve been doing a bit of a deep dive into self compassion because it really felt like I could use some - giving myself grace and just easing up on the continual push to achieve, do things, be productive.
One very cool thing that is happening right now is that I’m reading a book recommended by someone who reads this blog titled Making Time. I’ve just started it, however there is all sorts of goodies about how we can get so caught up in being doers and producers. How we have this compulsion to produce things of “value”. If you’ve been with me for a while you’ll recall that when I first retired I kept hearing this message in my head - how do I create value now? I wrote about it here.
What really resonated for me is the following:
“It doesn’t heal itself when you retire. You merely do out of habit, antiety, and the compulsion to avoid empty space your productivity can never fill.” (Making Time - Maria Bowler)
I recognize that retirement requires intention to transition away from “do it” or “fix it” mode. As usual - easy words to say or think, but much more difficult to put into action.
Self Care = Self Compassion
It’s interesting to note that Kristin Neff talks about the equation for suffering (I love how she gets all scientific sometimes), but regardless she says that suffering = pain x resistance. I really can relate with that equation because the more I resist this grey funk the more intense it seems to feel. She goes on to say:
“Paradoxically, any attempt to consciously suppress unwanted thoughts and emotions appears to only make them stronger.” (Kristin Neff - Self Compassion)
This makes sense to me as the more I focus on not thinking about the grey fuzzy state - the more it seems to invade my thoughts and I become more anxious about it - when will it end or lift. I was really in a quandary about what I should do next.
One thing that I have learned when I’m in a funk is that taking time for small things is very important. Small self care types of actions really seems to help me to start moving towards a lighter place. Preparing a favourite meal, making time for a sauna or a few minutes outside - these small things start to add up and help me to feel lighter. I think that there is something about triggering the subconscious to recognize positive things and not focus so completely on negative thoughts. These are usually “non productive” things from a producer perspective.
Trying to figure the way forward feels like trying to figure out this image. (EXIF data f16, 200mm, 1/6s, ISO500)
It’s not about suppressing negative thoughts or emotions, but rather providing some balance - recognition that they can exist side by side and not be overcome by negativity. As humans we’re biologically wired to focus on the negative - it was a means of survival - be wary and prepared to act or face dire consequences. It has been shown that people who are more self compassionate don’t tend to suppress negative feelings or emotions because there is safety in the knowledge that there is a kind and comforting place to land - i.e., they’ve got their own back with reassurance and kindness.
I think that this is very relevant to my current state of meh! Focusing on what I’m not feeling motivated to do, or living in the future state of increasing greyness is the same as focusing on the negative. In the same vein, trying to suppress those feelings = ignore them and pretend that everything is ok (the fake it til you make it approach) is also self defeating - the more I suppress the feelings the stronger they become. Ever tried to not think about something? The more you try not to think about it the more it intrudes into your mental space.
Ok - so what is the solution? What is the way forward? Can you sense my frustration?
Letting Go
Being perfectly honest. - I don’t know what the solution is - if I did I wouldn’t be in this extended grey state. However, one thing I have recognized is that one important step in lightening up seems to be letting go of the focus on the grey funk - when I practice meditation a key part is letting thoughts float through my mind without latching onto them. Let them come into mind and then float out again - very much a reset on my thoughts. When I do this I have periods where the greyness seems to lift, so this feels important to practice.
Wanting to burst into motion like these water droplets from a sprinkler. (EXIF data f16, 1/2s, 200mm, ISO400)
A second thing that feels very important is to have gratitude for what is going well in my life because let’s be honest it’s not all doom and gloom - it just feels like there is a greater proportion of time where I’m feeling flat and unmotivated. Interestingly, when I’m feeling like this it is more difficult to practice things like PIES (I spoke about it in this post) where we share how we’re feeling physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually - we have added gratitude to the end so that we finish by saying what we’re grateful for. I think that for me being able to provide some balance for the feelings of meh is an important part of living more balanced from a mood or mental health perspective.
It feels important to mention that I do have a lot of support around me - people that I can and do turn to for help. I have also been working with a Somatic Therapist for a few years now which I find very helpful for connecting feelings inside my body with what is going on in my head. I’m a strong supporter of seeking outside help to work through mental challenges - I mean we seek medical help for physical issues and it seems like the most sensible thing to seek help for emotional issues.
Floating Along the River
Having fun playing with shadows in the morning sunlight. (EXIF data iPhone image)
Another thought that comes to mind is the river analogy that I’ve read about in books by Daniel Seigel. He talks about floating down a river with one bank being chaos and the other being rigidity - being able to navigate in the middle of the river results in a more balanced and harmonious state of mind. I’m wondering if my mental canoe has gone a bit off course and I’m stuck on the rigidity bank of the river. I hadn’t really thought of this feeling I’ve been experiencing as being a rigid state of mind, but perhaps it is a resistance to acknowledging positive or uplifting things - being stuck in meh.
Perhaps spending time approaching things with that childlike wonder we all had when we were growing up and experiencing things for the first time. Photography has always been such an important part of self expression for me and it feels like there is a missing piece to coming out of this grey state that is related to my camera. Maybe I just need to get out with my camera and not have any expectations - just start fresh - it seems worth a try.
Sorry For the Cliffhanger
I always hate movies or TV shows with cliffhangers that make you wait until the next season or the next movie to find out how things work out, but I’m honestly working through this right now and I don’t have an answer - I’m as much in the dark about how this is going to work out. In the meantime, I continue to keep doing small things that are meaningful to me and show my subconscious that I’m important and worthy of self care - I think that this is not about big strides, but rather small baby steps out of the meh. (Ok I couldn’t leave it like that - so here’s an update. I went out for a morning photo walk with my camera - first time since July and although the images are nothing to rave about - I’m pretty proud of myself for getting out there and enjoying myself. I also love the liminality of this image - maybe I’m transitioning out of the meh!)
Have you had any challenging or grey times that were particuarly prolonged or difficult to make your way out of? What did you find helpful to do when you’re feeling down? I’d love to hear about it in the comments or drop me a note directly by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
Photowalk image of a liminal space - moving out of the grey funk? (EXIF data f3.5, 1/250s, 200mm, ISO1200)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
