Values, Comfort Zones and Growth
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What Are Values and Why Are They Important?
I have sat down to write this blog post a number of times and I keep getting stuck - as usual this caused me to pause and reflect on the why. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand what values are - they are the rules or guideposts that we use to define the boundaries of our lives and how we want to live our life - in essence they form our identity. When we’re living authentically within those guideposts there is a feeling of congruity to our lives - a sense of meaning and purpose with an everything is right in my world kind of feeling.
Macro photography of ice crystals - each detail etched like our values defining the way we want to show up in life. (EXIF data macro lens 105mm, f8, 1/150s, ISO800).
It also wasn’t that I didn’t know what my core values are - I’ve spent time working through this and figuring out what is important to me and how I want to show up in my life, no, it seems to me that there was a disruption - a discordant feeling about what I say are my core values and how I was living my life. That lack of alignment kept feeling a bit off and I felt out of step with myself.
Before I dive too deeply down that rabbit hole - let me back up a bit and remind myself of how I got to this point .
As I’ve mentioned before (link to blog post) - retirement and more recently massive home renovations have thrown my usually well ordered stable life and mind into a state of turmoil. That sense of chaos is usually a good indicator that something is out of alignment between the way I’m showing up and my values. At the time of my retirement when I was feeling confused and a bit at sea - I spent some time with Tracy (my life coach) going over my values and understanding what is important to me and why. When I have clarity around these two elements then I tend to be able to understand what is out of synch in my life and what I need to do about it. Sounds simple, but trust me it is not.
Values and Different Times of Life
Tracy and I used several resources to work through the exercise of defining my values including Brene Brown’s book Rising Strong and my favourite values cards Live Your Values (I have linked them in the resource page). The first exercise that we did is to work through the values cards to get them down to my top 10 values which is not as easy as it seems - I mean a lot of the values speak to me and I’d like to just say they are all key for me living my best life, but that would just compound the problem I was trying to sort through - lack of clarity and direction. Trying to live life according to all of the values not only creates too many plates to keep spinning, but there are also conflicting values that would also create more confusion.
Foggy morning walks where the surroundings feel out of touch and fuzzy makes it difficult to know which direction to follow. (EXIF data f4.5, 1/200s, 200mm, ISO400).
At the time one of the values that really stood out for me - it kept coming up again and again was Stability. Now I grew up in a pretty chaotic family and there were a lot of times when I wasn’t certain about what the future would bring. This led to feelings of anxiety and confusion, so it makes sense that stability is important to me. It also makes sense why the thought of moving to the country and going through several years of renovations was not appealing to me either. The thing about values is that they are there as guideposts and not to be used as rigid barriers - at least that is how I like to think of them. When I’m living aligned with my values or finding ways to honour my values then I feel a sense of peacefulness and serenity.
When I’m not then I can have feelings of confusion, disconnection or even repeating messages or actions that flag for me that something isn’t quite right. I also find that as I work through challenges or times of misaligned values that I can go through periods of growth and refinement of my values - gaining greater clarity and even expansion of how I live within my values. It can be a very powerful and uplifting experience, but often the working through it is not so enjoyable or easy.
With respect to my valuing stability - I have found ways of honouring that need while navigating tumultuous times - programming in down time and regrouping to reaffirm my foundations helps me a lot to keep my feet firmly on the ground and prevent me spinning.
Revisiting My Values
I thought that it would be interesting to do this exercise again and redefine what my values are and to see whether they have changed over the past few years - now I’m sure some people will be thinking that values should not change, but I have to disagree with that sentiment. I believe that our values change over time due to life experiences, societal norms, growth and major experiences. For example, I’m sure that when people become parents their values shift to align with being responsible for the life of a newborn and that these shifts have a profound influence on what is important to them compared with pre-parenthood.
The beauty of a prairie sunrise touches many of the values I hold close. (EXIF data iPhone image).
Since retiring my values have shifted away from building a career and achieving acknowledgement for my accomplishments to more inner focused values such as spirituality, health, social connection and creativity to name a few. When I went through this exercise again I came up with 10 values that I have grouped in three “buckets”:
Wellbeing (Health, Social Connection, Spirituality)
Development (Growth, Creativity, Curiosity and Vulnerability)
Emotional Health (Gratitude, Forgiveness and Genuineness)
Some of the items have shifted from the last time that I did this exercise, but many have stayed the same. The ones that continue to resonate over time are Health, Social Connection, Spirituality and Creativity. It’s interesting to me that Stability was not on my top 10 list - it is still in my important to me values list, but not ranking as high on the list. I suspect that this is due to a lot of the work I’ve done recently to understand why this is so important to me and to acknowledge what I need to have in place to make me feel safe around stability.
A Time of Growth
The sky’s the limit when you start to expand your comfort zone. (EXIF data - multiple exposure of 3 images merged in Photoshop).
I’ve noticed that my values have shifted in the direction of growth - some don’t feel entirely comfortable right now, but they are things that are really trying to get my attention - things like forgiveness and vulnerability - they keep coming up over and over again - I suspect that they’ve always been important to me, but I’ve not acknowledged them. In fact when I don’t acknowledge or live in alignment with my values then my subconscious has a wonderful way of letting me know - when your values conflict with how you’re living your life or even when two or more values conflict some pretty serious consequences arise such as feelings of shame or guilt, mental unease or distress, and even physical manifestations within the body such as fatigue, pain or illness.
I’ve come to the place where I really try to listen to what’s going on inside and when one of these signs of inner conflict shows up - I try to spend some time digging in and figuring out what is happening. Of course there are times when I blithely ignore the signals, but it never ends well and eventually I end up digging in and figuring out what is happening - if only I’d go there directly I’d experience far less turmoil.
Richard Rohr expressed this well when he said:
Without practices that change our responses, we just keep endlessly repeating our culturally trained and already well-practiced survival and control mechanisms. (Richard Rohr - Just This)
My ability to live within my values and even experience growth within those values represents an important shift for me. Mostly I like to live within my comfort zone - it feels safe - I know what to expect and how I am likely to react - however over time it can become mundane and boring. Taking a step outside of the boundaries of my comfort zone feels risky and uncertain, but it can also lead to growth and sitting in this place of discomfort - really leaning into the discomfort can and often does lead me to new and unexpected places. Places of growth and development which in turn expands my comfort zone - making life expansive and just more interesting.
Always New Places To Go
One of the beautiful things about really spending time understanding your values is that it provides such clarity around what is important and why, creating clarity about where you need to head. When I’m in the zone and really living aligned with my values I feel like there is nothing I can’t do - I’m living in a place of solid foundation, but without a lot of barriers and walls.
Have you ever spent time examining your life values and have you noticed that they have shifted as you mature and life changes? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below or please reach out directly by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
Pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone feels a bit like shooting through shrubbery - sometimes difficult to do, but rewarding results when I’m successful. (EXIF data f4.5, 1/200s, 400mm, ISO400).
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
