Judgment
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Do I Pass Judgment?
My knee jerk response is no - I’m a pretty accepting and open person who really frowns on being judgy, but if I’m being perfectly honest with myself - I do it in subtle ways that can sometimes fool me into thinking that I don’t.
I came to this realization recently on our Zambian safari trip. It’s always interesting to observe the interactions and dynamics when strangers, put together by circumstances (chosen vacation location) first meet and start up conversations. There is the initial pleasantries and then the inevitable where are you from, what do you do for a living, do you have children (I always feel judged when I answer no), have you been on safari before and what are you hoping to see?
On our recent safari in South Luangwa we met some lovely people who were seasoned safari folks (mostly from the States) and after some initial conversation the “what are you hoping to see” question came up. It is quite common (especially amongst hobbyist photographers) to have a wish list of animals and shots that are hoped to be captured during the trip. I gave up doing this long ago as I found it placed unnecessary pressure on the guide and on myself. If I didn’t get to see the animals I hoped or capture the images I wanted then disappointment would set in or additional pressure would be placed on me - getting stuck up in my head means I don’t enjoy the moment and I rarely capture images that I care much about later.
Wildebeest butt shot - why do they insist upon turning at the last moment? EXIF data f7.1, 600mm, 1/1250s, ISO800, -1EV)
I much prefer our current approach which is to relax into the moments and be grateful for whatever we see - sometimes this is an epic lion sighting and sometimes it is interesting light on some guinea fowl scrabbling at the dirt - and sometimes is it a series of butt shots when the animals insist on turning their backs to me. I have found that I enjoy myself far more when my expectations are low - I find my sense of awe and wonder is heightened as is my openness to experience new things. All in all it’s a good thing - when I can get my head in that space.
The Judge (My Inner Critic) Made an Appearance
As I mentioned we were exchanging information and trip expectations with the other guests when one guest mentioned that he had only come to see leopards - that was his focus and he wasn’t much concerned about other sightings. A good game drive included at least one leopard sighting or extended time spent with them and his trip duration was at least 10 days.
I was a bit surprised when I heard this as it seemed an interesting focus to have, but I brushed it aside with a “to each his own thought”.
We started our safari game drives and I found myself in my head despite my clear self talk about no expectations. I found myself rushing to take images and then wanting to move on to the next sighting - everything felt like it was speeding up and that I was getting caught up in this time spiral. I wasn’t happy with my experience or my images (I wrote about this here).
There definitely were amazing leopard sightings 😊. (EXIF data f6.3, 1/1250s, 600mm, ISO100, -2EV)
The topping on the cake was when I heard myself say something to the effect that having an open approach to what we see means that we are never disappointed with a game drive, whereas having a target animal as the objective (such as the other guest) means that no sighting of that animal equals a failed game drive. Almost immediately I stopped and heard my inner voice question how I could be so judgmental. I was making up an entire story about someone else’s experience and reason for travelling in general. I felt this wave of negative energy wash over me and I felt instantly ashamed of my self righteous and judgy thoughts of the other guest.
I wasn’t having a good time despite being in one of the most beautiful and amazing locations that I’ve ever seen. Interestingly, my comments about the other guest’s experience was more about my experience - projecting is all about The Judge making an appearance.
A Reset Was Necessary
I didn’t sleep well that night - nagging thoughts ate at my mind and I kept having this feeling of disquiet. I was awake at 3 am and no amount of trying could get me back to sleep. I sat and reflected - thoughts swirling around in my brain - slowly some pieces started to unravel and I was able to articulate what didn’t feel quite right.
I felt ashamed for being so judgmental about someone else’s motivations and this also led me to have clarity about the fact that I wasn’t sure how I wanted my experience to play out. It’s one thing to say you have no expectations, however it’s quite another to actually act that way - slowing down and pausing to really relish the moment - being present and just enjoying the moment.
By 4 am Kory was awake (jet lag is a tough one) and I was able to talk through my feelings of disquiet with him. His perspective is always a balancing factor for me and the way he put it was - how about reframing the story about the other guest and thinking that being so focused allows you to enjoy yourself without distractions or FOMO (fear of missing out). I suddenly could feel my thoughts lighten up and I was able to let go of that judgmental part of myself.
A male lion sniffing the air - he was clearly in the moment. (EXIF data f7.1, 1/1250s, 600mm, ISO400, -1EV)
As I talked through my feelings of disquiet about my photography he suggested we have a meeting with our guides in the morning and articulate what we want to get out of the trip and that slowing down and pausing to really take in the experience is a vital part of the trip for us. He also suggested that I spend time with our photographic guide Michael to talk about my feelings of dissatisfaction with my compositions. It made sense to me and I committed to doing just that.
A New Day
Our next morning started with a team meeting (everyone on our vehicle) at the Mopane Tree near the bush camp. Kory did a great job articulating our desire to slow down and really take in the whole experience. We expressed gratitude for having such a knowledgable guide and that we wanted to spend time learning and soaking in the atmosphere of South Luangwa. We said that we needed a team name and Mopane Spar was the name our guide Youran came up with. Next we did our morning expression of gratitude for being able to spend time in such an amazing location and how we are grateful for whatever presents itself for our experience.
I think we all felt the energy in our vehicle shift to something more light and grounded. I know that I felt the critic in my head start to grow fainter. Our morning game drive ended up being full of amazing experiences and I was finally feeling a shift in my photography - images and compositions felt like they were more reflective of how this location makes me feel than merely documenting what I saw.
The wonderful textures and soulful look of an elephant. (EXIF data f7.1, 600mm, 1/1250s, ISO400, -1EV)
After lunch I sat with Michael and we went through a number of images I had captured over the past several days and I found his critique invaluable. He pointed out strengths in my images and small tweaks that I might want to consider to make them stronger. We also talked about ways to get into a more creative mindset. Overall his comments were that I was being overly critical of my images and that slowing down as we were should help me to get out of my head and enjoy the process more as well as the location. Wise words indeed.
Sliding Into the Groove
It always amazes me how I can slide into that judgy inner critic side of me without necessarily noticing that I’m heading there. The clues are so apparent after the fact (making up stories about other people or their experiences is a great first clue and not finding anything positive about what I'm doing is another) and it only seems to take a slight shift in attitude and mindset to move to a more grateful and enjoyable frame of mind.
I’m happy to say that once I made that shift I started enjoying myself so much more - the light and sightings seemed to be flowing (or maybe I just wasn’t forcing my expectations on them, so I felt like I was getting into flow) and I was just in a much more positive and uplifting place.
So here’s the tough question - are you judgy? Can you pinpoint what is causing you to be judgy and can you make a shift to move out of that mindset? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below or reach out to me directly by pressing the Connect With Me button.
A young elephant following in mama’s footsteps. (EXIF data f6/3, 1/1250s, 600mm, ISO1000, -1EV)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
