Coming Out Of The Shadows
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Liminal Spaces - The Starting Point.
Image of liminal space. (EXIF data f16, 1/300s, 200 mm, ISO64, -1.3EV)
When I first picked up a camera (a Nikon d5600 that I got with air miles points back in 2014) I had no idea how impactful that small device would be. After really learning the basics of photography I was ready to move on to much deeper things. (I highly recommend LoveSnapLive for learning photography basics and beyond).
A few years ago I joined an online photography community ( A Year With My Camera) and I found such inspiration and camaraderie among the members. During that time I stumbled across the concept of liminal spaces (defined as a place or state of transition - the “in-between” moments where you are no longer where you were, but not yet where you are going). This concept intrigued me and I started to see liminal spaces all over the place - which led me to photographing them to try and capture that feeling of transition. I wrote about it in this blog post.
Little did I know at the time that this rabbit hole was going to lead me to all sorts of self discoveries that changed the way I view myself and my world. I love the mystery of liminal spaces - the not knowing where they lead or where I will end up. For someone who loves clarity and purpose this was an interesting response - something that made me very curious to dig deeper into the why.
The Mystery of the Shadows
Since starting to explore the concept of liminal spaces I have noticed a shift in my photographic style. My images have become “moodier” and by that I mean that they are full of bold and darker colours - not so much pastel lightness for me. I have also noticed that I’m more prone to embrace the shadows and by that I mean that I am intrigued by representing images where there is mystery - not everything is revealed - there are places for the viewer to speculate what is lurking in the shadows.
Two years ago I attended my first photography retreat at Kingsbrae Gardens in New Brunswick with Canadian photographer Freeman Patterson. I really enjoy Freeman’s insights and his encouragement to follow the energy flow. Now when I initally viewed the 25+ acres of formal gardens at Kingsbrae, my first thought was making images that are light and airy - reflecting the beauty and delicacy of the flowers. That was not what emerged from my memory cards - I became obsessed with backlight which means that I continually sought out subjects where I was shooting into the sun.
A ginkgo tree leaf reflecting the strong sunlight. (EXIF data f2.8, 105mm, 1/100s, ISO200, -1EV)
For me this is a challenging way to photograph as exposure is not straightforward and as a photographer I have to make some decisions about what is important in the image - what am I going to preserve and what am I willing to let go of (such as blown highlights or deep shadows with little details). This type of photograph tends to be very dramatic and “moody”.
At the time, I loved being able to reveal the behind the scenes heros of the gardens - the pollinators - the bees. What I didn’t realize when I started accumulating these images was that this was more about revealing parts of me than my subjects - more unveiling of the shift that was occurring within me (but I’m jumping ahead a bit here - hang on and I’ll hopefully make sense shortly).
An Observer By Nature
When I intersect this growing fascination with liminal spaces, backlight and moody images with all of the personal work I’ve been doing such as exploring introversion, shadow work and second half of life work with Richard Rohr, I recognized some interesting insights.
Much of the shadow work I’ve been doing is about acknowledging those parts of myself that I would prefer not to recognize - the ones I label “bad” or “irrelevant” that I’ve spent most of my life orphaning or distancing myself from. This shadow work has been about re-integrating these parts of myself into a more whole hearted person as Brene Brown is fond of saying. By integration I mean acknowledging those parts of me that live in the shadow and even embracing them more fully.
“wholeheartedness is about integration. It’s integrating our thinking, feeling and behaviour. It’s putting down the armour and bringing forth all of the scraggly, misshapen pieces of our history and folding in all of the different roles that, when falsely separated, keep us feeling exhausted and torn, to make a complex, messy, awesome, whole person.” Brene Brown - Dare to Lead
Observing from the sidelines like these Verreaux's eagle-owls. (EXIF data f5.6, 600mm, 1/500s, ISO4000 - noise reduction software in LightRoom used)
One part that I have really started to pay attention to is the self confessed introverted side of me which I wrote about here. - a side that I think I use sometimes as a screen against stepping out into the spotlight. I have noticed that I’m more prone to sit on the sidelines observing my surroundings and the people in them - taking it all in and gaining a better understanding of the situation and the people I see is something of a superpower of mine - I am the one who will see who is left out and make an overture to help them feel included - I’m the one in the meeting who recognizes who isn’t participating and I will purposely ask for their input. This is all fine and good, but there is a cost to it as well - not being fully engaged in what is going on - being in the shadows so to speak. Through my photography I recognized that it was time to really explore those shadows and be willing to step into the spotlight - well the light at the very least.
Let The Shadows Fall Where They Will
I really do feel like I’m making steps towards coming out of the shadows and exploring all aspects of what is concealed and revealed by them. I’m not denying that staying in the shadows is a safe and comfortable place for me to be, but I’m willing to take some steps out of their shady depths. I’m not orphaning those parts of myself that I’ve kept hidden for so long, however I will admit that the parts are not necessarily being brought out into the full light either.
Kingsbrae is a good example of how this came to pass - when I first attended the retreat two years ago I was nervous - I didn’t know what I wanted to photograph or how to capture what I saw or felt. It felt like everyone else had it all figured out except for me - definitely not true, but that was the story in my head.
All of a sudden I started to do what I always seem to do (i.e., engaging my superpower) - I stopped and sat on the sidelines and observed - what I observed was that the beauty of the gardens wouldn’t happen without the support crews. At first I thought this meant focusing on the gardeners tending to the flowers and the kitchen staff gathering produce for meals and everyone generally making the gardens look their best, but this didn’t seem quite right until I turned my focus to the often overlooked heroes of the gardens.
The delicate plant blossoms were out and there were bees buzzing all around pollinating the blossoms - it suddenly hit me that here was the real support crew, the heroes - nothing happens in this garden without the pollinators. I spent days photographing them - not really recognizing that I was in fact exploring those hidden parts of me.
I started to realize that my images were revealing the parts of me that are an integral part of who I am. Those quieter unsung parts of me that I keep to the shadows - not wanting to call attention to myself. These different parts were starting to step into the light in my images - at least I was starting to see them more clearly.
Fast forward to October last year when I went to Jouvence which was a further step in my journey. A week spent with creative photographers who challenged me to explore ideas and places beyond the sharp focus of my comfort zone - both through photography and through meaningful discussions.
The delicate effect of Intentional Camera Movement (ICM) fused with Multiple Exposure (ME) used to express the movement of unfolding fern fronds. (EXIF data f9, 1/4s, 100mm, ISO64, 6stop Neutral Density (ND) filter).
My images were full of splashes of colour and painterly like brush strokes of the autumnal colours. It felt like suddenly the self imposed constraints that I’d harboured since picking up that D5600 camera were starting to fall away. I no longer felt the need to define myself as a particular type of photographer. I no longer felt the need to define my purpose in taking photographs.
I suddenly realized that I take photographs because it is how I express what is inside of me - the complex and beautiful parts of me that often go unexpressed - the shadowy parts of me that I would sometimes like to remain hidden. This is what and why I pick up a camera at all and for me it doesn’t really matter if the meanings behind my images are clear to others - it is enough that I find layers of meanings in the photographs that I capture and that they speak to those shadowy parts of me.
A Big Step Forward
Earlier this summer I travelled to Zambia and it was a magical experience for me. The experience felt like another significant step forward in what I’ve been exploring. There was the excitement of capturing the feeling of a magical place - revealing the shadows and the depth of the landscape and the players within it, but also reflecting those same places within me. This experience became all about the light - all about playing with the light - bending it - shaping it and using it to reveal what I wanted to show and not being afraid of what parts came through - by extension parts of me that were revealed.
I don’t feel like I’m done with this exploration - likely I won’t ever be done, however I feel like I’ve entered a time where I feel comfortable being uncomfortable. A time where I’m ok with not knowing what the end point or the end goal is - the curiosity of discovery is what feels important right now.
Have you ever had an experience that helps to reveal something important to you? I’d love to hear about it in the comments or drop me a note directly by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
The subtle reflections of the river on the side of this elephant reveals the mystery of the water - the life force of this region. (EXIF data f6.3, 1/500s, 600mm, ISO400, -1EV)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
