Authenticity - how being me is enough
(click on images to view them full size)
Our different personas or masks
Me out enjoying some winter photography. (iPhone image)
I think that despite how much we strive to be authentic and project our real selves, we all have various masks or versions of ourselves that we show to the world. I don’t mean that we are fake or trying to hide behind made up images of our selves (though some people do this), but rather that in different situations we show up slightly differently - I know that I do.
Some people who have known me for a long time are a bit surprised to read my blog writings and find out things about me that they didn’t know. It’s not that I’ve hidden these parts of myself from them, but they didn’t come up in the context of how we’ve known each other.
For example, I had Corporate Pam (projecting a professional version of Pam), Fun Friend Pam (more silly and open to sharing personal parts of me), then there was Daughter Pam (caring for aging parents - one with dementia - see this post) and then there is Wife Pam (who is so fortunate to have a partner like Kory who she shares parts of herself that no one else has seen). All of these versions of me are me - I think that the key to being authentic is to project the same essence of yourself regardless of the context or situation.
I will be honest and admit that age and experience has helped me to integrate all the Pams that are out there (maybe I’ve learned that it takes too much energy to keep them separate). Over time I’ve become much more comfortable sharing personal parts of me at work and with friends. I don’t want to give the impression that all of these “parts” or “versions” are separate and not similar - they are nuanced versions of me. I think that is why when I was writing my About Me Page (see this blog post) I had such difficulty with the idea of creating a personable persona for this blog - I mean part of the reason I’m writing this blog is to express myself - not some made up version of myself.
How we identify or place value on ourselves
I think that as a society we’ve placed much value on symbols and ways of identifying or differentiating ourselves. We can do that by our way of dressing, hairstyles, body art, titles and all sorts of other ways. Many of these symbols or titles can be very positive and affirming for people.
Unfortunately, I think that we can also lose ourselves in symbols or public versions of ourselves. For example, many retired people have difficulty transitioning because they have so much of their identity invested in their Career Version of themself. When that is no longer there, it can be tough to figure out where you belong or what your purpose is in life - or even who you are.
Kory and I getting married almost ten years ago. (courtesy of F8 Photography Image)
I’ve had several key points in my life where a major change could have triggered that sense of loss of identity, and the first was when Kory and I got married and I changed my name. I had the same last name for the first 25 years of my working career and I was known by that name, however when I got married nine years ago, I made the decision to change my last name to McIntyre. I was strongly advised against doing this because it would negatively impact my career “branding”. I didn’t see it this way because I felt very strongly that I was the same person and had the same potential no matter what my name was. Changing my name was important to me for personal reasons and I feel it was the right decision.
My iron ring (right hand pinky finger) traveled all over the world with me - drinking tea in Istanbul (EXIF data iPhone photo).
The second incident was when I lost my engineering ring a year ago last fall. We were raking leaves in the garden and I was wearing gloves, but when I came in the house to wash my hands I realized that my engineering ring was missing. For those not familiar with this Canadian tradition, when an engineer graduates from university there is an iron ring ceremony where you are given a ring to wear on the pinkie finger of your writing hand. This is to remind you when signing documents or writing reports of your duty to public safety and the ethics of the profession.
I looked everywhere for it - in the gloves - on the ground - everywhere I had been and it was nowhere to be found. My husband even borrowed a metal detector to try and locate it, but we have never found it.
A funny feeling of letting go came over me when I stopped looking for it. I didn’t feel like I was missing a part of me even though I’ve worn the ring for almost 40 years. It felt like a chapter of my life has come to an end and I’m ok with moving forward to find new facets of Pam that are not defined by a profession or a symbol of a profession.
What authenticity means to me.
For me authenticity is about being open and vulnerable, but it’s not about over sharing and there’s a fine balance to achieving this state. Vulnerability is a scary thing for me - when I think of being vulnerable I think of being weak or losing control. However, it is through allowing myself to be vulnerable with those I trust and feel safest with that has allowed me to feel the most connection and growth.
Letting go and being open means that I no longer have control of the reaction, but in actual fact I was never really in control of that in the first place. The only thing that I can control is my response.
Being naked in a piece (of writing) is a loss of control. This is good. We’re not in control anyway. People see you as you are. Sometimes we expose ourselves before we realize what we have done. That’s hard, but even more painful is to freeze up and expose nothing. Plus freezing up makes for terrible writing. (Writing Down the Bones - Natalie Goldberg)
High key self portrait (EXIF data f5.0, 1/5s, ISO3000, 105mm, -1.33EV - tripod with delayed timer).
In today’s world of social media we can get caught up in focusing on likes or positive comments. In fact I have to watch myself with this blog and not be guided by which topics get more views or longer engagement or positive comments. I appreciate the interactions that come from the thoughts that I post, however I continue to write about what is relevant and important for me - if it resonates with someone else then that is a bonus in my mind. Otherwise I risk building a whole new mask and persona that separates me even more from who I really am inside.
Authenticity is about being transparent about intent and building trust. It’s about not adjusting myself to suit my company, public audience or friends and this takes courage to potentially stand alone and firm in my beliefs and values. It takes courage and a willingness to be disliked. I read a book called The Courage to be Disliked (Ichiro Kishimi) which talks about standing firmly in your values and being fully present in the now - not worrying about past or future to determine your path forward.
Living my values
I have this great set of cards with a value listed on one side and some interesting exercises listed on the other side. There are dozens of cards and I have used them to delve into my personal values by choosing the ten cards which represent my most important values. From there I had to narrow it down to one card that represented my core value - wow was that tough!
Value cards I have used - more information about them is in the resource page (iPhone photo).
I have found that doing this exercise and coming to one value was not the point, but rather spending the time to really examine what is important to me and whether the way I’m living my life is aligned with what I feel is important. It’s a good exercise just to get yourself thinking about your values and how you want to be living your life.
I have also used these cards and exercise with my husband when we were faced with some difficult decisions - we decided to focus on what values are important to us and incorporate them into our decision making - making sure that our decision allowed us to live in our values and it was a very powerful thing to do. Too often I find myself thinking and speaking in generalities and not being specific enough to really hold myself accountable to my values.
Being congruent with my values and living authentically according to them helps me to feel lighter and more free - I don’t overthink things. It also helps me to be centred on what is important to me regardless of what is going on around me.
Have you ever spent time really examining the different facets of yourself that you show to the world or what values you hold close and important to the way you live your life? I’d love if you’d share any thoughts in the comments below or reach out to me directly by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
Abstract image of the patterns in the water of the Halifax harbour reveal hidden facets of the play of light colour. (EXIF data f6.3, 49mm, 1/400s, ISO4500, +0.67EV)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
