Relationships
(click on images to view them full size)
Friends.
Not the TV series, but personal connections - what makes an acquaintance versus a friend, or a close friend versus a lifelong friend - and does being able to define and differentiate between them matter?
Friendships forged in creative activities and shared experiences. (EXIF data f8, 120mm, 1/120s, ISO1000)
I have friends who I feel I’ve known for a long time, however some of them have childhood friends - relationships that span most of their life which sort of blows my mind. Others have close relationships with relatives that also span their life and while I have some long term friendships and some deep connections with the people in my life - I don’t have long term connections with anyone more than 35 years (that may seem odd to point out, but remember I’m in my 60’s). Sometimes reflecting on this fact makes me a bit sad and it makes me wonder why.
I’m not whining or complaining here, just reflecting one how each of our experiences of relationships is fashioned by our personal histories. I’m actually quite in awe and a bit envious of those who have longstanding family or childhood friendships.
History
A big factor I suspect is that my parents made the decision to emigrate from the UK when I was just over 2 years old. This decision, while great for career opportunities for my dad and education opportunities for my siblings and I, did not take into account the loss of contact with relatives and friends. Growing up in the 1960’s and 70’s meant writing letters with the odd long distance phone call (usually with an egg timer to track how long we’d been talking) - not a great way to foster deep meaningful long distance relationships.
I didn’t recognize the impact of this move on me until I started spending time with friends and their grandparents - there might have been some wistful moments where I wished their grandparents were mine. I’m not sure if it’s entirely due to this early uprooting or more part of the social learnings from my family - that is my parents didn’t have any long term friendships. I also didn’t seem to make lasting friendships - I had friends, but we often drifted apart due to geography (they moved or we moved) or changes in interests. I think it speaks to the resiliency of childhood that I continued to forge new friendships when old ones faded. Once I hit adulthood, I focused more on building friendships and I have a number of long term friendships spanning this timeframe.
Yes that’s little me before we emigrated to Canada.
It wasn’t until I moved to Scotland in 2007 that I was reunited with a number of my relatives on my mother’s side of the family. Initially it was very awkward as we didn’t have any common ground or foundation upon which to build a relationship, but with some perseverance and time I have come to have close relationships with several of my cousins. This is something that I value and I make an effort to keep these relationships alive.
Really that is a key part of friendship or any relationship - the amount of energy and effort someone is willing to invest is directly related to the strength of the friendship bond. At least that’s my opinion.
Interest
I think that having a genuine interest in the other person - their successes and challenges as well as their history is a key component of friendship health. I have had acquaintances that seemed more interested in sharing their news/life events without much interest in what was happening in my life. Now I think that there is always a give and take in any relationship - one party needs more support at a certain time and then the balance shifts to the other person - or at least that is how I believe an ideal relationship works - a give and take that averages out over the long term.
When that balance is skewed to one side for an extended time period and one friend seems ultra needy or wants to continually be the focus of attention there is cause for concern. Well let’s face it - that scenario never bodes well for long term friendships, or meaningful relationships.
Curiosity like this little chipmunk showed me is a key ingredient of a healthy friendship. (EXIF data 200mm, f7.1, 1/400s, ISO800)
I believe that genuine curiosity is also a great ingredient to add to the friendship recipe - a desire to know more about what is important to someone, or how they think or tick seems to add to the spice or seasoning of the relationship. I’m not talking about being overly intrusive with questions or sharing inappropriate amounts of personal information, but rather letting conversations meander and unfold based upon mutual respect and interest.
Mostly it seems to me to be about the little things - small things like remembering family members’ names, important dates or facts and building those small steps of trust. This reminds me of Brene Brown’s reference to the marble jar and building trust by small acts that add marbles to your jar.
The Magic of Connection
I have been very fortunate in my life to have made some deep and meaningful connections with people who have become close friends. In each case I have been somewhat surprised by the connection we’ve made as it seemed to evolve organically - seemingly without much thought or effort. That is probably an erroneous assumption on my part, however it seemed effortless.
I can recall in each case feeling comfortable in their presence almost immediately - even when the circumstances were pushing me outside of my comfort zone. There felt like a spark or a common thread between us that led to curiosity and deeper connection.
The sweet connection of this leopard cub and his mama also showcases the fleeting friendship with a butterfly on his ear. (EXIF data f6.3, 1/1250s, 600mm, ISO400, -1.0EV)
I especially enjoy meeting people who challenge me intellectually or make me think about things differently. Having meaningful conversations where I feel comfortable being vulnerable (and vice versa) generally leads to deeper connection. Now don’t get me wrong - I am not trying to imply that my friends and I always agree, but there is an ability to create a haven for sharing different opinions and a genuine desire to learn and understand the others’ perspective.
I quite frankly crave this sort of connection in my very close friendships - a feeling of being able to let down my guard and be accepted warts and all. That is my idea of friendship.
The Sign of a Good Friendship
I would have to say that being able to spend long stretches of time together and not grow disinterested or bored is a fine sign of a solid friendship. However, I think that intuitively knowing when to give each other space with others or alone time is equally important to a healthy friendship. I have become more comfortable doing this as I’ve grown older and I’m also more able to articulate when I need this sort of time too.
Then being excited about spending time with this person again is really the ultimate sign of a good friend. I feel very fortunate to have these sorts of friends in my life.
One thing that also stands out for me with my experience is that while I have not had much extended biological family in my life, I have chosen who is an important part of my life - I have in fact chosen my family which is a very special gift to myself.
Time together and time apart is a sign of a healthy friendship. (EXIF data f5.6, 400mm, 1/1250, ISO800)
A Friend For All Time
While I feel a bit sad that I wasn’t able to develop close connections with my cousins during our early years and I do not have childhood friends in my life, I am fortunate and grateful to have close meaningful friendships in my life. They enrich my life and help me to maintain balance and perspective - I wouldn’t want to lose them! So much gratitude.
Do you have any longstanding friendships that are particularly meaningful to you? What do you do to nurture this relationship? I’d love to hear about it in the comments or drop me a note directly by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
The rich colours of a well integrated tapestry of flowers is much like a close friendship. (EXIF data ICM/slow shutter speed f22, 1s, 200mm, ISO100)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
